Husband staring at other women
A few weeks ago me and my husband went for a vacation. During our vacation, there was a moment when 2 girls were walking in front of us. They were wearing very short skirts, almost showing their butts, I could even see the lines. I noticed that my husband kept looking at them even after they had crossed to the other side of the street. I asked him to stop, but I still felt uncomfortable and disrespected.
Another day, we passed some girls who looked like host girls, wearing sexy outfits. I noticed my husband didn’t see them at first, but he asked me, “What are they wearing? Is it bunny clothes? Is it too revealing?”
I tried not to talk about it at that moment because I didn’t want to ruin our vacation. So after the trip, I brought it up. I told him that I felt uncomfortable when he stared at women for that long.
So he answered,
Him : that's not a problem, I was focusing on why they wore those clothes. Maybe you might think I was looking at their body. I don't feel like I did anything wrong here even if you blame me. Even if it was Jhon or Marie (elder) or Tom or anyone else. <names are not real names>, My thoughts were pure. it doesn't matter if you believe me or not, I think I respected myself. I do understand what you are afraid of and what you might think, but those are your thoughts on it and I don't agree with what you are thinking.
Me : I understand you didn't intend anything wrong. I'm not trying to accuse you.
I'm just telling you that when it happens, it makes me feel \*uncomfortable and disrespected\* at the same time. Even if your intention is pure, I still feel that way. So i dont like you stare opposite sex that long tho.
I just need you to be a bit more mindful of it. If you are wondering about something like that, i think you can wonder but dont have to keep continue staring them for the certain duration.
Him: Thank you, how about you tell me ''okay babe you can stop staring at them'' after 5 seconds if I keep looking. Most likely I'm just in my head thinking. I don't want to feel caged as well, so that's why I don't like it when I don't have any bad intentions.
Me : I’m not trying to control you. I just want to feel respected. When you keep looking at other women, it makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to be the one who has to tell you to stop. I need you to be aware of it yourself, not because I’m policing you, but because you care about how it affects me.
Him : that's how it makes me feel when I have to think too much about my actions. it makes me feel like I don't have freedom. and I become less connected emotionally. I become more like a calculator. you will need to do something on your part (he wants me to always asked him to stop staring). I can try to be mindful but you will also have to do what you can. I will not deal with any angry wife from this because you didn't want to be a ''police''. if you don't try to help then don't mention anything about it. you are throwing all the responsibility on me and justifying you can be angry whenever you want because I'm not respecting you
Now, most of the time when I bring up about his behaviours that hurts me, the focus shifts, and he gets upset at me instead. I mostly just hear his defenses.
Do I really have to tell him to stop staring every time after 5 seconds? Isn’t his behavior his own responsibility? What about when I’m not around? I feel like my feelings are being minimized.