Smacking head when angry/bipolar anger
Hi I’m 21 female, diagnosed with bipolar 2, and I’m looking for advice and suggestions. This one might be long so I’m sorry for that, I’ll decide it into paragraphs
- I’ve struggled with a violent rage due to my bipolar from a very young age, though I never wanted to nor ever did physically hurt anyone else but myself. The main way I do this is slamming the heel of my palm into my temple as hard as I can when my anger is triggered. It’s extremely cathartic for me, and keeps me from hurting anyone or anything else.
Punching pillows does not help, screaming into a pillow does not help, clapping my hands only helps sometimes but is also too loud and startling to others. Counting to ten makes me more angry, so does trying to breathe deeply, in fact most of these make me feel small and weak when I do them, especially in front of people.
I want to know if the fact I’ve done this could have done genuine damage? Like recently I’ve had ice pick headaches specifically in my temple, and I’m wondering if I should mention this to my dr just in case.
Does anyone else experience this, and the rage towards calming tactics like I do? I’ve never ever been able to find much info at all online, all I get are helplines or the same calming tactics repeated on every article I see. Honestly I’ve noticed the rage and violent tendencies experienced with mood disorders isn’t very talked about, which is upsetting cause I’ve always felt like a horrible person for feeling and doing these things….
Does anyone who does experience this, or even who doesn’t but are well versed with calming rage know any techniques I can use to calm myself? Ways I can stop hitting my head but have it still feel cathartic in the moment? I preferably need things I can do in a moment where I’m face to face with one or more people, and also things I can do on my own. Some things I’d be willing to try alone, but for some reason I’m always extremely embarrassed and feel so childish when I use tools like this in front of others.
Any advice that’s different from what I’ve described here is very appreciated! I really want to and need to get control of my anger, I know I can improve because I am far less angry than I was as a teen, but I’ve plateaued on progress with it for years now.