Dad ruined my wedding experience, haven’t spoke since.
My parents divorced when I was about 16 in a very messy divorce involving violent accusations that I won’t get into. I am now in my early 30’s and after the dust settled after their divorce, I have maintained a relationship with both of my parents. My dad has caused a lot of harm over the years, and I have been forgiving to a fault with him to try to maintain some kind of relationship with him. He has a long history of alcoholism. I have tried to be almost entirely independent of both of my parents since I was about 18 and left for university, because I didn’t want to be wrapped up in their drama and they were not able to emotionally support me. They rarely ever see each other, and generally do not speak. My dad has refused to pay any kind of support over the years to my mom.
My husband and I got married last summer. We had a full weekend wedding with about 100 people, where most people were staying in cabins on site. On Friday night before the wedding we had a campfire on the beach. My mom and her relatives were at the campfire enjoying some sing alongs. My dad and his relatives were hanging out together back at their cabins. I got a text from my Dad asking if he was welcome to join the campfire. I said sure. He arrived, said hello to me, and I could smell the alcohol on his breath immediately and I knew he was drunk. I was immediately very uncomfortable that he was so drunk, but he hadn’t done anything so I just let it be. His relatives had gone to bed and did not come down to the fire. It was getting late and my mom and her relatives decided to call it a night and head to bed. My dad left soon after.
The wedding itself as how I experienced it was beautiful, busy, exhausting, and lots of fun. I had put in a lot of work myself into so many parts of planning, the stationary, the decor, I made my own cake, my partner and I took dance lessons, I made a ton of pottery for the centerpieces. It was a ton of work to plan, because it was a full weekend and I needed to sort everyone into their cabin accommodations. I felt like I really poured myself into the entire thing. It was a ton of work.
With the complicated family situation, my dad was being a huge asshole in the months before the wedding, and making unreasonable demands, such as saying that my mom’s new husband should not be invited to the wedding. Over a few weeks, I kept receiving texts from him, to the point that I had to tell him that if he brought it up one more time, I would have to remove him from the wedding invite list. My partner also stepped in and told both of my parents they were causing me too much stress and any questions should go to him first.
My husband and I spent a couple of days together at a cottage after the wedding, and had a nice time decompressing and relaxing. Then I spent a couple of days with some extended family on both my mom and dad’s side who had travelled for th wedding, without my partner, as he had to go back to work. I didn‘t actually get home until a week after the wedding. My sister was driving me home on a long car ride back, and she seemed angry at my dad about something. She then asked me: “If something happened at your wedding, would you want to know?”. I was curious but was unsure what she meant. Then she basically said, you know what, nevermind, I don’t want to burst your bubble. She had already made other comments over the couple of days that had “burst my bubble” so I just basically ignored it, and we sat in silence for a couple hours as I was trying to get some work done on my laptop.
I got home that night and had so much cleaning up to do from the wedding. The next morning, I called my mom, as I was curious what my sister was referring to, and I felt like I needed to know. My mom was trying to focus on the positive side of things… how the wedding was beautiful and magical and so on…. eventually she told me that on the friday night before the wedding day, when her family left the campfire, they were walking back in the sand along the beach, and she felt someone push her hard in the dark as they were walking back with flashlights. The person ran ahead, and she realized it was my dad. She yelled saying “that man just pushed me!“, then there was some sort of altercation with my dad and my step-dad. My older brother happened to be nearby, and he pulled them apart. A few friends witnessed it and my 81 year old grandma was also present. My dad left, and then my mom and her family went towards their cabin. Apaprently my dad made a reappearance there and there was another altercation where other guests were also around and saw what was going on.
This news completely stunned me. I was so furious. I couldn’t believe how much of an idiot my dad was. After he already ruined so much of my wedding planning experience, I was just so done with his bullshit. Because even after all that happened before the wedding, I still had given him the honour to walk me down the aisle, do a father daughter dance, say a speech, and read something at the ceremony. I couldn’t believe he had pissed so many people off, assualted my mom, and caused such a fucking show, ruining the vibe for so many people. My mom was basically in distress cause she had to still see him for the entire rest of the wedding weekend, and she was scared that he would pull out a weapon or escalate further. My mom’s sister told my dad’s brother that he had to keep my dad under control the next morning. I was completely clueless to all this until I heard it from my mom a week after the wedding.
I was devastated when I found out. Honestly, for years, I worried about what could happen between my parents at my wedding. After I talked to my mom, I texted my dad saying ”I just found out about your actions last weekend and I am very upset. Thanks for ruining the moment for so many people. I can’t believe your lack of prudence.” He basically responded saying “I have no idea what you’re talking about sweetie, what are you referring to?” I was so pissed… after that I blocked him and left all the group chats with him. I was beyond exhausted from the months of wedding planning, the adrenaline from the wedding itself, etc…. I had no capacity to deal with his shit and his “cluelessness”. A couple weeks later, I get a letter in the mail from him. It’s 3 pages long, with pictures from the campfire, and he basically claimed that he ”tripped in the sand” fell into someone, and all of a sudden other people were attacking him. He was trying to absolve himself of any wrong doing. He sent this same later to my siblings as well.
How I would desperately want to believe that this was all a misunderstanding and an accident… but I know it‘s not. I chose to believe my mom, and have not spoken to my dad since. It’s been 10 months now. For the first few months, he tried to reach me by text or email, which I had blocked. He hasn’t tried to reach me in a while. My younger brother still lives with him. My sister talked through this situation with him, has gotten some kind of closure, has accepted he is who he is, and continues to see him every so often.
I don’t feel like I ever got a real apology. As the months go on, I feel like it really has been eating away at me. I really don’t have much family in this country other than my parents and siblings and my partner’s famy. Being entirely no contact was needed and has allowed me to have some space to figure out what I need, but honestly I don’t think I can do this forever. I also don’t think it’s my responsibility to figure this out for him but at this point, I think he is waiting for me to reach out. I’ve had enough of his crocodile tears” and fake apologies. I feel I have already given him too much empathy over the years for all his fuck ups, and there have been many. If it hasn’t been made clear, there is obviously something wrong with him, and he has refused to seek proper treatment for whatever condition he has. All of his children and ex-wife have had to have extensive therapy to cope with having him as a father.
At this point, I have replayed this situation over in my head so many times, that it has overshadowed the positive memories I initially had about the wedding. I try to focus on the positives and the moments I enjoyed, but it pisses me off that he made so many people uncomfortable at my wedding, when I specifically asked him not to not make people uncomfortable.
TLDR - I worried that my abusive alcoholic father would ruin my wedding, for most of my adult life, and he did.