Really, really struggling
Throwaway account for obvious reasons. This is mainly a rant but also looking for some help/reassurance that things can get better.
I have been quietly struggling for a while but am now really starting to question my relationship.
I (m28) have been with my gf (29) for 2 years. We moved in together about 8 months ago. I love her and she is kind and a good person. I kew she had ADHD before we got together, but I never realised how difficult living with her would be.
I have two main problems.
First is the mess. I’m a very tidy person and I enjoy cleaning/tidying for the most part. A messy space tends to make me uncomfortable and irritated and I often can’t relax until it’s tidy. She is the messiest person I’ve ever met, I don't understand how she makes so much mess. Clothes everywhere, drawers left open, lights/tv/fan left on, old mugs and bowls everywhere. Lunchboxes left in the car for days/weeks at a time. I’ve lost count of the amount of tupperware we’ve thrown away because we both refuse to clean it.
Reminders don’t seem to work, and she’ll only clean when someone is coming over, or it gets so messy we’ll do a big clean of the house. It usually only gets that dirty when I’ve been too busy to clean or am depressed and struggle to do anything. It makes me feel uncomfortable and on edge in my own home. I'm hoping it's because she doesn't quite understand how the mess makes me feel rather than that she just doesn't care.
The second issue is having to fix (almost) all of her problems for her. I understand we’re in a relationship, and I am happy to work together and help her. However I am getting sick of her ignoring my reminders and leaving things to the last minute, then expecting me to fix the problem and getting stressed and annoyed at me at the same time.
I know it’s not her fault that she forgets things or that she’s messy, but she also doesn’t seem to want to help herself and I’m getting concerned that she’s getting used to me doing these things and it will get worse rather than better over time.
I’ve tried talking to her about the mess and she says she will do better and she does for a week or so, then it’s back to how it was before. I’m going to try again soon using stronger terms and try and make her understand how much these things affect me and hopefully it’ll help.
I’m starting to worry, as much as I love her, that I cannot do this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be battling mess and fighting fires at home. It makes me feel like I’m parenting her rather than dating her.
I’m 2 years in and exhausted.