TL;DR:
Got out of a 9-year relationship and started seeing a guy from my gym for ~2 weeks. It became extremely intense, fast, and mostly physical (great sex), but he was also controlling, sexist, inconsistent, and disrespectful.
He oscillated between wanting a serious relationship, judging my past/culture, and just wanting sex. I stayed mostly for the physical attraction despite being repulsed by his personality. Things ended after he got aggressive during a bike lesson, shut down communication, and then suddenly blocked me everywhere. I don’t want him back, but I’m confused about what triggered such an abrupt block when the whole dynamic was chaotic from both sides.
Longpost:
I (mid-20s) just got out of an 8-year-long relationship. I was asked out by a 27-year-old North Indian guy at my gym, whom I initially found sweet. But very early on, he would say things like he was under a lot of pressure from his parents to get married and was looking for “the one.” This spooked me because I didn’t want anything serious anymore. Also, he has a transferable job and is probably leaving this month (hoping for it)
So I told him I was seeing someone. It felt true in a way because I had been in a relationship for so long, on and off, that anything felt like cheating. He told me he had a crush on me for 6 months, had been trying to find me, asked people around, even checked the gym register. He had sent me a Facebook request (I’m not active there, so it was pending). Eventually, he came up to me and I gave him my Instagram. We started talking there, and he was really polite.
One day, I felt really lonely and went out with him. He seemed nice at first. But on the very same day, his words gave him away to be patriarchal and conceited. I ignored all of this because I was very physically attracted to him. He even said I was "the one."
On the bike, he was constantly touching my knee, which I thought was a signal. After we smoked and it hit me, I placed my head on his shoulder, which he later kept bringing up as me “giving him signals.” After that day, we met again post-gym. He had come from election duties and brought a Monster drink for me. We drank it together, which I found sweet.
Then he asked if he could kiss me and leaned in. I pulled away. I asked him about his sexual past since I was only interested in him sexually. His past is very vast—he has slept with more than 15 people, including sex workers. I asked for reports to check if he was clean; he shared them.
After he dropped me home, I gave him a peck on the cheek, but he leaned in for a kiss on my lips. I knew at that moment he was only interested sexually as well—because why would he push things like that when he was about to be transferred and leave.
Also, this guy has a lot of women around. He keeps everyone he sleeps with around, never blocks them.
On the third day, while smoking, he again asked if he could kiss me. I said no, but gave him a peck on the cheek again. I leaned my head on his shoulder, and he immediately kissed my forehead and then my lips a little, grabbing my face to kiss me. He is an excellent kisser—aggressive and gentle at the same time. But he was very rough with my breasts and waist. He kept touching me to which I touched his dick back. He kept saying he had wanted to do this for a long time and was lucky I agreed to go out with him.
On the way home, I wanted to sit in front of the bike. He constantly touched my breasts on the bike. I could feel his erection. He kept kissing my neck and ears. I was extremely turned on just from this.
When he reached home, he got drunk with his friends and called me. On the call, he told me not to see anyone else and asked for exclusivity and a serious relationship. I also wanted exclusivity because I didn't want any disease. I told him I was not ready since I had just come out of a long relationship. He said he didn’t care. Then he started saying things like women shouldn’t work after marriage, that I should rely on him and give up my career, and that no self-respecting man would want a girl like me if I got tattoos.
On the phone call he said, when I didn’t agree with him, he said he would see me as his sister and that we had nothing anymore. He said my future was not as bright as his and I might never become successful. He also said since he earns 12 LPA, his job is more important than mine.
I stopped talking to him. But the next day, he texted like nothing happened. When I brought it up, he said he must have said those things because I said something.
I ignored him and went out with a friend, drank, and got a tattoo anyway. That night, when I was drunk, he kept calling me. I opened up to him about the emotional baggage I was carrying from my childhood best friend’s death, which I regret sharing. On a video call, I was very horny and asked him to take his shirt off, and I flashed him (which I don’t remember clearly).
He asked if he should come pick me up on his bike (60 km distance). I told him to meet me somewhere else. He waited for me for 3 hours because of traffic, which I found sweet.
But on the ride back, he kept talking about the women he had slept with and continued with stereotypes. I got really mad, but he read it as jealousy. I never corrected him.
I found out he used a nickname for me that he had already used for another woman. His longest sexual partner. I asked him not to call me that. At this point, I was really disgusted by his sexual past—he had slept with almost every woman around his workplace. He would not speak derogatorily about them but he was not respectful either. This irked me.
I stopped talking again on the bike. Then he started singing. I leaned in to listen, and my disgust went away. We made out a little (second base), but since we were in a public place, I told him to stop because people were around. He got mad and said I always turn him on and do nothing about it.
He constantly talked about how beautiful Bengali women are and that I was no exception. He kept complimenting my eyes, lips, face, and especially my breasts. But it felt like he was always seeing me as a Bengali woman and not me.
After this, I asked him to come to my terrace so we could make out privately and not leave him turned on. We made out, and I didn’t want him to leave because I was turned on too. He is a gentle lover but also very aggressive. He satisfies me sexually, and I am very attracted to his body. But every time he opens his mouth, I dissociate.
We planned for him to come again at night. He did, and we tried to have sex, but since I was a virgin and very nervous, I was too tight. When he tried to enter, I instinctively kicked him on his chest because it hurt so bad. He comforted me, and we ended it with oral.
The next time he came over, I lost my virginity to him. It was a painful and messy experience, i bled over my bed sheets. I was very sore. After that, while cuddling, he said he loved me and held me tightly, asking if I loved him. I didn’t want to say it because I did not, but he kept pestering and tickling me until I said it. I didn’t mean it. He would say he missed me and asked me to say it back. And I am pretty sure he was talking to other women in between. Which I care about because I don't want to have sex with someone who is having sex with more than one person at the time.
After that, we kept meeting. He said he genuinely missed me and was getting soft. We met regularly.
Then he took me to an Airbnb. We had sex 7 times in 12 hours. I felt extremely satisfied and happy. It felt good to be desired. He kept asking why I didn’t have sex with my boyfriend of 8 years but had sex with him in a week. I didn’t have a clear answer, except that I never felt desired in my previous relationship. This person was addicted to porn.
At the Airbnb, while eating chicken and roti, he asked if I felt guilty eating meat. I said it’s part of my culture. He said I lacked empathy. And went on about indoctrinations. I started dissociating and told my friend about this while he was in the toilet.
He later sang songs for me, which I loved. Then he saw a message from my friend asking if he was still talking. He got offended and said I was disrespectful. Which I accept was true. But it's really difficult to find respect for someone who is constantly judging you.
After sex, we talked about books. He said I was very intelligent and unlike any woman he had been with. He gave me a dollar note as a souvenir to remember him by when I left for my studies. He also compared me to another woman he had met for arranged marriage, saying she lacked basic knowledge. I have an AIR. And he told me he has only been loved by dumb people and getting love from someone like me makes him feel special.
In the morning, we thought it was the last time. He said he wanted to meet my parents before leaving. I wasn’t okay with it, but my parents are chill, so I didn’t take it seriously.
Then he said he wanted a relationship and that I would have to learn cooking and household work. I already know these things, but I don’t like being told. I still agreed because I wanted more sex.
On the way back, he kept stereotyping Bengali women again. I got angry and left without saying goodbye. Later, he called and half-apologized. I agreed to meet again because I only wanted a physical relationship. I like getting touched by him. But on my terms.
We met again for a bike lesson. Whenever he spoke, I dissociated because of his outdated ideas and he constantly called me a pig or a monkey. I started listening to music when he ordered a tea for him at a shop. During the lesson, he said I might have ADHD and that he hates people with ADHD. He told me to meditate. I actually started doing it. It only became clearer that I was repulsed by him.
Later, he asked if I would go out with him if he wasn’t good-looking or rich. I knew the answer—I went out with him because I was lonely and he was leaving soon, not because he was ideal.
I got frustrated and cried because I felt constantly judged for my past while he had slept with 15+ people. He tells me that no one cares about a man's past and a woman's future. People only care about a woman's past and a man's future. His is bright. Mine is not because I am not submissive.
He said he wanted to take things slow. Then again, he said I was never casual about him and never would be. Then he said he might see other people but actually wanted me.
On calls, he asked if I would respect him and speak nicely. But he constantly insulted me—calling me pig, monkey, etc. I found him repulsive but was still attracted to his body.
During sex, he would ask if I would cook for him or make sacrifices. His parents even sent him a picture of a potential bride, which he discussed with me. I did not mind this. Since she lives far away and he is here. So, there's no chance of him sleeping with her and me at the same time.
Then one day, after being affectionate, he suddenly said his mother wouldn’t approve of a Bengali woman. I got angry because he had been acting affectionate just moments before. I actually felt humiliated and confronted him about making a fool out of myself.
I decided to cut things off. I went to return his things (a dollar note and lighter), deleted my pictures from his phone, and blocked my number. But then it started raining. I let him drop me home.
On the way, I told him he was unstable and a manchild and I wanted nothing to do with him. But then I did something I regret—I acted crazy and clingy, stopped him from leaving, and took him home. He met my parents. Later, they told me to stay away from him. Because he was checking my phone. He would do this sometimes. The first time we spent the night together, he checked my phone and when I said lemme check yours he wouldn't let me so i take it from him. I found nothing sus. Later he let me know that he deleted chats with other women before meeting me. I did not care much either. He would go on to frame this narrative as me being possessive about him.
We continued talking. He called me unstable and psycho, said he couldn’t love someone like me, but still didn’t break things off.
We met again. He criticized my cooking. Asked my friend if I was a “good girl.” Asked if my father would be a problem if he left me since my father is an influential man.
Later, he said he liked my company and would want to come over to my room but soon he said he couldn’t get over the fact that I had been in a long relationship and that another man had touched me. But still asked if we could continue physically for the remaining days. Also said if he feels he can get over this after 5-6 days he would approach me. I said no thank you.
Finally, we met for a bike lesson. I was being distant because of what we decided, when he was singing i leaned in without touching, he pulled me closer and made me hug him from behind. He asked me if I had any plans in the evening, i refused to let him know. He kept calling me names and hitting my head every time I made a mistake. After several times, I warned him I would hit back and asked him to stop touching me. He also said something about me not touching him. When we went for a cigarette i was talking about Blake's Songs of Innocence and of experience. He was listening. After that I showed him a chat with my teacher who i was supposed to meet with my proposal later in the day.
After that, he became cold. I tried talking, but he stayed silent, told me to shut up, and threatened to drop me off mid-way.
He finally dropped me abruptly by pulling my hand.
When I got home, I realized he had blocked me everywhere.
This was the day before his birthday.
His parents are also very patriarchal and conservative. He has a twin brother who has cut all of them off. He has a very low opinion of his twin. He is extremely quick to judgment. He came to meet me wearing something his brother gifted him 4 years back.
I don’t want him back. But I genuinely don’t understand—what exactly did I do that made him block me like this, when he has never blocked anyone before?