Lost my father unexpectedly last year. Is wanting someone to father me at 44 strange?
I'm 44 years old and I feel like an orphan.
My dad passed away last year and I didn't expect it to hit me this way. I thought I was grown. I thought I had it together. But something about losing him cracked open this part of me I didn't even know was still there — this kid who just wants someone older and wiser to look at him and say "I see you. Keep going. You're doing it right."
I'm a father myself. I go to work. I hold things together. But inside, I feel genuinely empty in a way I can't fully explain to the people around me.
What I keep coming back to is this: I don't just miss my dad. I miss being fathered. I miss having someone in my corner who was personally invested in my growth — not as a buddy, not as a peer, but as someone who actually wanted to see me become a better father to my own kids, a better man at work, a better version of myself. Someone who could call me out and also call me forward.
I don't think I'm looking for therapy (though maybe I should be). I'm looking for something that feels more... human than that. A mentor. A father figure. Someone who's been where I am and came out the other side with something to say about it.
Has anyone else felt this? Especially those of you who lost your dad in your 40s — how did you handle that hollow feeling? Did you find anyone who could fill even a fraction of that role? Or did you just learn to live with the gap?
I'm not ashamed to admit I need this. I just don't know where to look.