i only discovered this phobia 2 weeks ago and it is consuming my life. i now have an average of 3 panic attacks a day and i can’t deal with it anymore. i’m at a war with my mind because i can’t cope with these thoughts and i don’t know how to make them go away. how am i just meant to accept the fact that im gonna be gone forever one day?
i have always struggled with school and learning. i have autism, a processing disorder and go to a main stream school which wasn’t moulded for people like me. last year i went through something traumatic and took a lot of time of school and when i came back i was only going to school for two hours a day and only doing english and maths. i missed my november mocks but i wasn’t scared for the march mocks as i knew what to expect. i know my ability and i knew i wasn’t going to pass. despite not going to school like a normal person i always put in the hard work but the information just doesn’t stay in my brain and i struggle to process it.
after those sets of mocks and seeing i failed i started going back to photography as i know thats something im able to pass. i had my photography gcse this week and i worked my ass off so i hope for that 4. whereas english and maths, i also failed. i got a 3 in english language so im working my hardest to get a 4 but with maths i know i will fail and im not worried about that. i’m more than happy to resit it at college and i feel like college will be a better place for me overall as its not so restrictive. i dont even think i will pass maths when resitting and i am okay with that.
people like to try to get into my head when i tell them i am okay with failing. they tell me i ‘shouldn’t have that mindset’ and i ‘just need to revise’ but i revise a lot and go to every single maths lesson as well as attempt past papers all the time and i just can’t do it and that’s fine. my parents are supportive of me and so proud of me and they don’t care that i won’t pass and neither do i. its honestly funny to me that strangers care more about it than i do. im not careless about it though im still gonna sit the papers and put my hardest work into it but i wont pass. anyone else have the same mindset as me?
i don’t know if i flared this correctly so if not please let me know
the whole of last year i was incredibly suicidal and made attempts on my life. fast forward a year later and im having panic attacks daily because im so terrified of dying.
for the last two weeks, its in my mind constantly and i am scared to do anything. i dont want to sleep or leave my house because this fear of dying is just in my mind and it appears whenever it feels like it. i dont know who to speak to about this because no one is able to soothe my mind. i dont think ill ever be calm at the idea of death anymore. i’m a very literal person as well so i believe that when we die there is nothing and that terrifies me even more because i dont know nothing. like i build this whole life for myself and then i just cease to exist one day. i’m panicking as i write this because im thinking about it but i just dont know how to help myself. i have a therapist and i see her next week so im gonna tell her but i dont know if she can help because know one knows what happens once we die.
i’m freaking myself out even more though because these have only just suddenly sprung on in the last two weeks now i panic that its a gut feeling and im gonna die soon. i know that sounds incredibly dramatic but this is ruining my life. i dont want to think about anymore but im not even in control of the thoughts. i am genuinely spiralling