I don’t even know why I do this to myself anymore
I’m a 17 year old dude and I’ve struggled with disordered eating since I was 14 or so. It used to be just because I was insecure and wanted to be thin, sometimes to punish myself as well but these days it’s not about that. It’s not about control either, in fact it’s not really about anything at all.
I don’t know why I starve myself anymore. I’m basically a grown man so why do I feel the need to eat less than a damn toddler? Beats me. I suppose it’s just a habit at this point. You’d think that with no reason to keep looking weight it’d be easy enough to just recover, right? It’s not and I can’t. I suppose maybe I like seeing the numbers go down and I feel a sense of superiority over fat people (I feel disgusting saying that but it’s true)
I don’t even really want to recover anymore, I view this disorder as neutral and just a part of my life at this point. I eat enough that I’m not in catastrophic danger of major health complications and I’m not underweight anymore so I just don’t see a real reason to put in all the effort to recover, especially since trying to recover is what sent me into my current spiral of hardly eating. People around me have started to notice my weightloss again and I don’t even feel validated anymore. I’m just annoyed that they’re commenting on it and might try to stop me.
I think I’ll have this disorder until I die but I don’t think it will get to me before my other mental health issues do