Not sure how bad off I am. Help appreciated
Hey there, I’m a 44 year old male and would like to describe my situation to better understand how serious I should be considering my K use.
I’m 6ft, 190, exercise 3 or 4 times a week. Mountain biking, hiking, resistance. I’m an executive at a successful growth company that I founded. I have a healthy social life and love life, find a lot of time for positive and blissful times with others.
I’ve been on self-administered ketamine for the last 6 years. It went from snorting one gram a week, using on a Friday or Saturday, to now snorting 4 grams a week with almost daily use. Most days I’m in the .25 range, with spikes into .75 on a Friday or Saturday.
There have been so many positives. First, I don’t drink. K definitely eliminated alcohol from my life. I also have built an incredibly positive relationship with myself, the usage has assisted in diminished trauma and emotional responses to things. Issues that would have sent me obsessing or spiraling or struggling to find peace no longer impact me.
My use is always coupled with intentional, binaural sound. I have found that certain music, especially when positioned for balanced stereo listening, contributes to a very pleasant and often mystical deep experience without needing much k to get there. This is all amplified by a growing ability to shut down my mind through meditation tactics, surrendering my analytical mind and allowing myself to slip more quickly into a theta state.
Other psychedelics have contributed to this overall work — psilocybin, lsd, but most significantly a few Bufo sessions for the last few years. Access to this “other realm” has been made easier, and k is an active nudge towards that realm.
I only use with others, never alone. I only use at night. My times with others are connected, we are not on headphones, and there is a lot of talk therapy and love and positive processing through the experience.
Everything for the most part is going well. I am doing well at work, social life, and with my physical health. Most days feel positively impacted by the previous night’s usage, I feel clear and connected to my agency and choosing positive things in my life.
Okay, this all sounds good. And yes, I think for the most part it is all good. But I’m on here for a reason…
The use has become daily and I’m dependent on it. I don’t know how else to hang with people. There’s nothing more interesting or pleasant or fulfilling than doing k with others. This fundamentally feels like a problem.
Though bladder/urinary/kidney doesn’t seem to have any issues, I am starting to have concerning sensations in the brain when on it. Heat, tingling, pressure, what feels like an over activity or something. I don’t know. In the moment, this tingling feels mystical and maybe even healing, but I start to panic because the sensation is so overwhelming and abnormal.
I’m starting to have days that I wake up feeling sluggish, lacking motivation, going through motions. It’s maybe a day or two a week.
Tolerance has surprisingly not been building dramatically, but in the last few weeks I’ve started to notice that it takes .5 or maybe a little more to really “get me there” — this is an increase.
I’ve never really been addicted to anything before, I am very anxious and panicky about this all resulting badly for me. This anxiety comes up occasionally in the midst of a session, but by the next night I usually feel great and ready to use again. So sometimes I feel like the anxiety is an overreaction, maybe I’m fine? Maybe this is more good than bad and I shouldn’t worry yet?
I don’t want to push this to a point where I now actually have to worry though.
So I dunno… I’d say this drug is having 75% positive results in my life. And the other 25% is somewhat certainly negative, but also somewhat speculative.
I’d love any thoughts here. Primarily, 1. If I keep my usage below .25-.50 a night, is this within a healthy range? 2. Is there anything to be concerned about the sensations I end up feeling in my brain? 3. (And I think I know the answer) should I just listen to this instinct of anxiety around it and quit before it gets worse?
Thanks yall. Waking up today and finding this sub has been really helpful already