Should I go back?
I debated about whether to even post, because I'm having a hell of a time with this.
I'm a survivor of serious therapeutic abuse from a previous therapist. I can't actually talk about that because there is an active investigation. But I really need professional support and it turns out that once someone has harmed you like this, then no one else will listen to you.
I recently decided to try seeing a new provider and sense what seem like flags to me. I just am trying to get a read on whether or not this is my hypervigilance or if something is really wrong, because I clearly don't know the difference given my past experience and how long I stayed.
In our first phone call this clinician ended up disclosing highly personal details of their own significant trauma. When I disclosed a history of violent sexual assault because this is tied to what I need to work on, the clinican later in the conversation used the word "seduce" to describe something unrelated. But this use of the word gave me a lot of pause because it's little things like this that my abuser used to do. I was very cautious in naming that my abuser had or may have had narcissistic traits. And then similarly, later in the conversation, the new clinician also used this term unprompted to say that she wasn't one. And it felt like my vulnerability was being tested somehow, but in ways that I can't name concretely, but maybe this is a connection strategy. After our session they have texted me multiple times and it becomes more and more urgent with each text even though I haven't responded.
Am I just reading this wrong? Is this therapist trying to build rapport by using the same language back to me? Is my hypervigilance just in overdrive because of what happened to me in the past? If I'm going to actually heal, do I need to work on my trust and get outside of my comfort zone even if it feels unsafe or dangerous? For people who have actually left an abusive therapeutic relationship, when did you know it was time to leave or how did it end?
Should I go back for another session just to be sure?