u/RelevantNet6832

Hi all.

Day 18 ct. I have been thinking a lot about addiction since quitting.

I quit because I found myself in a terrible stimulant and Kratom spiral.

Kratom drained all my energy. I started taking about 1 year prior to stopping alcohol, and when I stopped my dosages ramped up significantly. Then immigrated, changed careers, and had a baby boy in a two year span. The last two years, with major life changes, while taking Kratom daily, have been hell.

Immigration loneliness, performance anxiety in a new role, anxiety regarding the new role of becoming a father.. it all just compounded into one big ball of shit. With this context I started using stimulants to keep my energy levels up. It started functional.

Then the vicious cycle began. The stimulants turned from Ritalin to snorted adderal to cocaine. Over 1.5 years this culminated in multi day cocaine binges and a complete outright lack of care / complete disregard for my high risk actions. It scared the fuck out of me. I quit Kratom as a consequence of saying “I need to stop everything”. Since stopping Kratom my ape brain is not as loud and I’m finding it infinitely easier to say no to both. I’m actually now in a position where I’m more scared of the Kratom than the cocaine because I know how dangerous cocaine is, Kratom, while I’ve still described all of the above, is innocuous, quiet, slippery.

Anyway. I just find it incredibly fascinating that since I stopped Kratom my other risk seeking addictive behaviors are calling down. Kratom lowered my base dopamine floor to a point where I was organising bags of cocaine without thinking of any consequences.

Prior to my quit I had a five day binge that made me completely ashamed of who I am. Since I quit, I have not had a single urge (beyond during acute WDs which I think can be expected) to take either of them.

I wanted to share this story with you all because I don’t know if anyone has been in my position. So lost in poly addiction you don’t know where to start in order to heal. In my case I was so scared of WDs I ended up just multiplying my drug use. Started convincing myself ketamine was the solution to take with a taper. The cycle just got worse. Picking up one substance to deal with the effects of another.

This experience has given me so much empathy for addiction, because I have now firsthand experienced how substances can literally skew your thread of sanity and moral clarity. I debated whether or not to post this honest piece, but decided to do it because if I can help a single person it’s worth it. You are not alone. You are not broken. I promise you. It IS the sludge, it ISN’T who you are.

I hope this serves as a message of hope for anyone out there struggling with Kratom, or struggling with other substances among Kratom. It’s all interconnected. It’s all related.

One love.

This has been so fucking hard. But for the first time in years I actually slept and woke up after 7 hours feeling rested. Not waking up exhausted is a gift.

The mental anguish Kratom has put me through is shameful. I never made the connection between my mental health and this poison. So fucking stupid.

My nervous system is still raw, but Jesus Christ I’m not crying over every little thing anymore. Life doesn’t feel overwhelming. I’m no longer literally coasting in my own life.

I know it’s early and I need to stay vigilant, but honestly, at this rate and how I’m feeling better every day, saying no to another dose is getting infinitely easier.

For me the physicals have always been an inconvenience, but the mental toll of withdrawal is hell. Every time. It’s like a period of insanity, a fever dream. And every quit gets worse. I never want to go through this again. Kratom helped me quit alcohol and then kneecapped my emotional development. I thought I was trading up when all I did was trade sideways, replace one thing with another. Kind of sucks to be honest because I was proud of my alcohol sobriety, still am, but to realize I’m not “sober” and I just shifted tracks to a different substance sucks. Oh well better late than never. 4 years I’ll never get back, but thank got I made the realization eventually.

Thinking about it now… I’m grateful that I’ve been able to course correct, or at least mentally understand the direct relationship between my dogshit mental state and my usage. It’s never been this clear to me and for that I am grateful. The perspective of my emotional wellbeing over the last few years compared to the high of a few pills is irreconcilable. It’s just not worth it. Peace of mind and a total lack of anxiety in my belly are my new highs.

Mid 30s male, 20-25gpd leaf.

Ran out of Kratom on holiday. I had taken enough for the trip but indulged myself and didn’t bother to order more while on holiday. I then ran out and thought I’d be okay with the handful of codeine tablets I had on me. Boy was I wrong.

the tablets didn’t even touch sides. Probably took 120mg over the first two days. Day one was fine, day two onward was wild. Derealization (which was probably made worse by my thc vape pen but honestly it’s the only anchor I had in an anchorless ocean of wtf), shivers, mental anguish to the nth degree. The waves of anxiety were hell. The shame and guilt and fear were absolutely overwhelming.

But. Today is day 15. For the first time in two weeks I had moments where there was zero anxiety at the bottom of my stomach. Anxiety I’ve lived with for three fucking years on this shit.

Never again. Never, ever again. I think in a way I needed it to be this brutal to remind me never to go back. I needed to repent. I needed to go through hell.

Never thought I could do it… now I can’t think of a life of going back to Kratom.

one love.

Long story short I went on holiday, to a country where Kratom is legal, but I lost track of my doses and ran short eventually mid way.

Bloody hell.

Then once I was in the hole I thought well it’s too late now might as well ride this sh#tdragon out of the sh#tcave.

Bloody hell. Spent my 37th birthday derealising at a table with my mother, MIL, wife and son. Only thing that got me through was a thc vape pen. I was on probably 20gpd. Wanna know when I realised how hardcore this sh!t is? During the worst of my wds I had 8x paracetamol and codeine tablets 10mg codeine each. Took 8 pills throughout the day and still had the worst time of my life. Honestly they didn’t even touch sides. So fun.

I know this story meanders. It’s a stream of thought as opposed to a post. I wanted to post this because the last 13 days have been so hilariously hard I can only laugh. The first 5 days were physically brutal. On day 11 once my stomach started kicking into gear again, my hunger combined with the underlying dread and anxiety from WDs gave me the worst stomach cramp I’ve ever had - straight to the hospital on an IV for 3 hours. Don’t even get me started on the mental anguish which continues.

Anyway. This is all to say, THANK F#CKING GOD I QUIT YOU KRATOM, you deceitful piece of shit.

Edit: one hour later and I’m thinking again how the codeine didn’t even help. Kratom hits receptors in its own way, its own dirty beast. Quite scary actually, that I could feel the Kratom withdrawal specifically, through the codeine. Fuck them both.