u/Regular_Occasion_591

I am now going to be a senior next year and the thought of quitting marching band and only doing concert band has always been in my mind since freshman year.

The reason for this is because I have no “true” friends/friends at all, esp w/ my section. While I did I have a few “friends” to talk to, I was always their second/last choice or they would always make a joke out of me in some random way, including other people in the band. For example I can be talking to one person and it can be a nice conversation, then their friend(s) join the conversation and now I am somehow a joke. It would’ve been one thing if I actually knew them for years and we are close, but we’re not. So because of they are so comfortable with disrespecting me , I start becoming dry, sitting/eating by myself, being a lonely leader that underclassmen are supposed to look up to. Moreover, I would try to talk to diff ppl/friend groups, but it was very obvious that I was the “floater friend” and no one takes me serious.

Because of having no true friends/a best friend, it begs the question of “why am I even here”. It would’ve been one thing if I had a best friend to “suffer(complain) with”, sit, talk, and eat lunch with but I don’t, I end up feeling drained.

Additionally, people in band are extremely comfortable with saying racial slurs with the directors paying no mind to it, atleast when a racial slur is audible to them.

Also people do not care anymore. Freshman yr, the upperclassmen cared so much about how they sounded and they cared about everything. But as the years progress, the band got worse and people stopped caring, I can count on my fingers the number of people who actually care.

Lastly it is the band fees. I paid off my freshman yrs band fees, but I haven’t paid off this yrs or sophomore yrs band fees, making it a total of $500+ and band fees are increasing every year. My private teacher (which the band directors lower my payment for) offered to make me have free lessons until I graduate but use the money that I would usually pay for lesson towards my band fees.

That’s a very good deal but I honestly would rather just get a job and pay for my band fees than putting more pressure on my band directors and private teacher regarding payment.

I think what makes it worse is that I am 1st chair in the top band, with maybe a few ppl looking up towards me? I don’t necessarily dislike my directors or private teacher, but it’s the way the environment is and how lonely I am that is really affecting it.

I am not sure if anyone experienced this but being the only black person in band sucks, especially in a predominantly non-black school. For context, I am 1st chair and the only black person in the best band in school and I enjoy concert(sitting down) band a lot, but I have always hated marching band ever since I joined it freshmen year.

After experiencing marching band for 3 yrs so far, I noticed it doesn’t get better. My section keeps on saying the n-word, makes racist jokes around me knowing how it makes me feel. And I somehow get put as the “butt of the joke” when I’m talking to a group of people, it is annoying. For example, I could talk to one individual and it could be the smoothest, nicest convo, then all of the sudden their friend(s) join the convo and I am somehow a joke in some shape or form. So now I barely have anyone to talk to bc 1. I know how they view me 2. I stop talking to them/become extremely dry towards them—-which results in me talking to no one and being by myself during football games or lunch. Ultimately, I just look like a loser junior—upcoming senior-- with no friends, what underclassmen would look up to that?

Because of all of those factors listed above, I am thinking about quitting marching band. But my problem is that I’m not sure if I’m overreacting and that I might get fomo. Additionally how would I explain to my all white directors the racism?? I just felt like I needed to let this out.

To anyone reading this and relates to this, you heard.