Anyone else feel invisible?
I’m 48, I have 3 kids (21, 17, 16) and a husband of 18+ years, and I am a nurse. My life is about catering to the needs of others. If I don’t do that, I’m not treated as an individual with my own needs, I’m an inconvenience. Mother’s Day was a good reminder that no one is really thinking of me and what I have sacrificed, what my day to day involves, or what brings me joy. I’m just an invisible middle-aged woman, until someone needs something of course.
Long Edit:
I appreciate all of the comments and love this discussion! Many of the comments are ones I’d like to share with my daughter especially, who is not married or in a relationship yet. I posted this with the hopes of feeling a sense of connection with other women who feel the same, and to open a discussion about it. I think it’s important to point out however, that some of the comments are not helpful to me or women in my situation and I don’t want to just let that go. I’ll explain. I have been deeply enmeshed in the unhealthy family dynamics that have been passed on from generation to generation, never learned to set boundaries, never thought I had the power to say no to anyone, especially a man. It might seem crazy to some of you that I have “allowed” things to get to this point in my life but I didn’t know any different. It has taken me this long to even get to the point of putting labels on what has been happening in my life, let alone say or do anything about it. I wish I had been able to grow up with the confidence that some of you have and I hope my children will do better than me. I guess now that I am seeing a new perspective on things due to events in the last couple of years as well as entering midlife, I feel this sense of urgency to make changes while my kids are still at home to see it and can learn from it so they don’t make the same mistakes. It is so hard though, so scary and confusing. The changes I’m making could potentially blow up my family (ie. end my marriage, be financially ruined, have to move, etc) because not only have I been conditioned to believe this is how things are supposed to be but so has my husband. It will hopefully be better in the long run, but is going to be very messy for a while. I guess what I’m trying to stress is that comments along the lines of “just stop”, choices matter, or sacrifices made by women for their family members shouldn’t be made with an expectation of any sort of appreciation, even on Mother’s Day, a literal day set aside to show appreciation to mothers, is not very helpful to someone at this stage. I get what the intentions are, but they put the blame on the woman/wife/mother and not where the blame should be.
The idea that “you teach people how to treat you” has never settled right with me. That puts the blame of abuse/mistreatment on the abused. I don’t believe that an unselfish, kind, thoughtful person should be blamed for being taken advantage of because they “taught” people to treat them that way. The blame should be put where it belongs, on the abusive person. It’s important to learn to set boundaries yes, but even if a person doesn’t know how to do that, it’s still not their fault they are being abused or taken advantage of. They literally don’t know how to get out of it. Doing so goes against their reality, and could actually be dangerous. And no one deserves to be mistreated simply because they exist. What I don’t get is why women get blamed for being treated as the family servant. I guess I went about this whole marriage/family thing thinking the unselfish treatment would be reciprocated by my husband and children (as soon as they were old/mature enough to do so), because they love me and that’s what decent human beings do right? They’re kind to each other. Seems obvious to me if we want to have good relationships. My husband has chosen not to reciprocate that behavior on a consistent basis (for whatever reason) and has therefore taught my children to do the same. And honestly, it has been what society as a whole has taught us all as well. I think that is changing and I’m so grateful. It’s just unfortunate that women have to demand to be treated with respect and as an individual with needs of their own instead of it just being a given simply because we are people too. Why do I have to work so hard to be treated as an equal anywhere, but especially in my own house?!
P.S I am in therapy. 🙃