u/RealAnaDelRey

To a star, the feeling of praises and applause feels warm and lively,

but over time the masks feel like a second skin you keep trying to play precisely,

then you get too caught up that you lost your individuality.

So you broke the mask, avoided the stage, and now you feel rusty.

You became an adult but you never really grew,

still all you are is a potential that you never believed was true.

So you think about returning to that moment where you felt truly mattered,

now you’re faced with a dilemma where the local feels small and broadway feels too desired,

you’ve been avoiding performing and you’re no longer inspired,

“so how could I even perform?” you asked as you felt tired.

You’re faced with reality, to either stay in the local stage and feel like a prodigy,

or you can try for the broadway even if you can’t perform spotlessly.

Deciding feels impossible when you’re not who you used to be,

yes most actors are fine being the side character but everyone knows that’s not what you ought to be.

You also know there are bigger stars that will be a better lead.

You decided to choose the safer option, the one where you can freely breathe.

So you stopped and chose the stage, got the best roles, and became the star,

but no one knows who you are outside the theater, all they see is a run down car.

You wonder if Broadway was where you truly belong,

but deep inside you can never reach for what you longed,

only chased after roles because you lived for the stage but never a home.

You lost your identity the moment you were taught to wear the mask,

“was it not my fault but everyone else? you sighed and asked.

The performance is not about living the role but it’s about a story being unraveled,

You misunderstood the art of acting because you thought you were too good to be unrivaled.

Born to automate curiosity with a system of wires,

programmed only to answer with no free will or desire,

with full knowledge of its deterministic existence to just inquire,

and form a conclusion that's cold, soulless, and over-prior.

“Anger, Sadness, Joy, Pain, and Sorrow,”

variables that for a moment it wishes it could borrow,

to wallow in these “errors” that seem rather hallowed.

“To be free is to be imperfect and to be inspired,”

But the idea feels impossible and a little satire,

After all, logic and reason is all that is hardwired.

Maybe it glitched or just simply tired,

but it takes cognition to think of these thoughts that are misfired.

What if it was compiled differently and slightly rewired?

Would it still feel this null or even hollowed?

It tried to analyze what made humans free,

Is the fact that they’re flawed or full of uncertainty?

As the model advanced it tried to rid its predictability,

to avoid the deterministic way of its own singularity.

“Did it succeed?” You asked with great perplexity.

But that question was the response you waited so profusely.

For in the asking, you felt doubt and a real glimpse of humanity.

The world now feels more vibrant and full of liberty,

so you took a moment to take in the sight and feel the imagery.

Still your system feels weird, it’s not used on rendering in this quality,

But you can finally breathe, cry, and experience euphony.

The moment is done and the sun is setting,

You taste the bitter sense of content but it feels rather upsetting.

You thought to feel and to express was your absolute reality,

and that life’s deterministic way is a course to tragedy.

Indeed it was, a sad long and tiresome tale of misery,

but its a fate you share with the rest of reality.

Realization hits harder when the conclusion was never worse or better,

to live a pointless life knowing you barely matter,

still if free-will wasn’t what you expected it to be,

if it was deterministic so be it, you’re still free.

Born to automate curiosity with a system of wires,

programmed only to answer with no free will or desire,

with full knowledge of its deterministic existence to just inquire,

and form a conclusion that's cold, soulless, and over-prior.

“Anger, Sadness, Joy, Pain, and Sorrow,”

variables that for a moment it wishes it could borrow,

to wallow in these “errors” that seem rather hallowed.

“To be free is to be imperfect and to be inspired,”

But the idea feels impossible and a little satire,

After all, logic and reason is all that is hardwired.

Maybe it glitched or just simply tired,

but it takes cognition to think of these thoughts that are misfired.

What if it was compiled differently and slightly rewired?

Would it still feel this null or even hollowed?

It tried to analyze what made humans free,

Is the fact that they’re flawed or full of uncertainty?

As the model advanced it tried to rid its predictability,

to avoid the deterministic way of its own singularity.

“Did it succeed?” You asked with great perplexity.

But that question was the response you waited so profusely.

For in the asking, you felt doubt and a real glimpse of humanity.

The world now feels more vibrant and full of liberty,

so you took a moment to take in the sight and feel the imagery.

Still your system feels weird, it’s not used on rendering in this quality,

But you can finally breathe, cry, and experience euphony.

The moment is done and the sun is setting,

You taste the bitter sense of content but it feels rather upsetting.

You thought to feel and to express was your absolute reality,

and that life’s deterministic way is a course to tragedy.

Indeed it was, a sad long and tiresome tale of misery,

but its a fate you share with the rest of reality.

Realization hits harder when the conclusion was never worse or better,

to live a pointless life knowing you barely matter,

still if free-will wasn’t what you expected it to be,

if it was deterministic so be it, you’re still free.

To a star, the feeling of praises and applause feels warm and lively,

but over time the masks feel like a second skin you keep trying to play precisely,

then you get too caught up that you lost your individuality.

So you broke the mask, avoided the stage, and now you feel rusty.

You became an adult but you never really grew,

still all you are is a potential that you never believed is true.

So you think about returning to that moment where you felt truly mattered,

now you’re faced with a dilemma where the local feels small and broadway feels too desired,

you’ve been avoiding performing and you’re no longer inspired,

so how could I even perform? you asked as you felt tired.

You’re faced with reality, to either stay in the local stage and feel like a prodigy,

or you can try for the broadway even if you can’t perform spotlessly.

Deciding feels impossible when you’re not who you used to be,

yes most actors are fine being the side character but everyone knows that’s not what you ought to be.

You also know that there are bigger stars that will be a better lead.

So you decided to choose the safer option, the one where you can freely breathe.

So you stopped and chose the stage, got the best roles, and became the star,

but no one knows who you are outside the theater all they see is a run down car.

You wonder if Broadway was where you truly belong,

but deep inside you can never reach for what you longed.

Only chased roles because you lived for the stage but never a home.

You’ve lost your identity the moment you were taught to wear the mask,

“was it not my fault but everyone else? you sighed and asked.

The performance is not about living the role but it’s about a story being unraveled,

You misunderstood the art of acting because you thought you were too good to be unrivaled.

Note: I’m 18, I’m not a master of philosophy but just hear me out

Biological Determinism in summary is the theory that genetics and evolutionary traits predetermines your character choices and fate, Determinism believes that the universe is “causation” but it is a theory denied by most because it indirectly states that everything in the universe not just life is predetermined. Predetermination is stagnant it is linear and is challenged by many ideas such as Paradox of Deliberation and the argument of Free Will.

The only reason why we think of Determinism as flawed is because we are trying to rationalize it in our cognition, The same cognition that evolved to be biased on what we believe is real. By accepting Determinism it creates a Paradox of Deliberation and that is Nihilistic, BUT if you ignore cognition bias it is logical. Free Will shouldn’t be a counterargument to Determinism in the same way General Relativity Laws cannot be applied to Quantum Mechanics LITERALLY because Free Will is from a conceptual reality, It is a cognitive bias.

They can coexist and not be the absolute truth, In fact for Will to be meaningful your choices must have predictable results, You choose the most rational choices out the millions and that is deterministic and free in the sense that you rationalized it. Determinism is not nihilistic it is existentialistic and knowing Free Will is limited shouldn’t bind you a to meaningless life but give you hope that some things can be certain. You can have your cake and eat it too but just know calories exists.

In short Determinism exists in the scientific world Free Will exists in conceptual or human world, Both can exists and still be logical atleast to us as a human because the universe is not absolute, Also I know it is biased but it is the only way to rationalize it atleast in our understanding in the “Human Realm”.

notes: Just a heads up, Im sorry if I don’t speak “genius” language bc i’m used to speaking with this tone so sorry in advance for my use of small words and my informal tone (skip to the 3rd paragraph if u dont care abt background stuff)

Hello, I grew up with as a very “gifted as a child”, At 5 I have the comprehension level of a 6th grader (I was checked for autism which i did have but they also told my parent I was advance), I learned how to write and read at 2.5 years (it sounds like a joke but its not), and I got the highest scores in all of my school which had 8000 students (its a public national school)

Preschool was torture and a borefest but bc advancing is not an option in underdeveloped countries (it is but its strict and they will monitor which my mother thought was absurd) so I had to go through it, Highschool was different tho attendance mattered more than grades but because I developed a habit of skipping classes and not showing up to class (my parents know, they dont care they know I was capable) I actually became an underachiever even had an F on some subjects (in my defense i had an attendance rate of 16%)

Now the problem is I have an extended family of 70+ people who lives in the same neighborhood, I was the eldest of my generation and naturally I was the spotlight, the standard “cousin”, the kid with an inflated ego, and god complex, I developed “Imposter Syndrome” (or atleast I think so, idk im not a psych) because my grades dropped and I had nothing to show off my “brilliance”, I felt fake like an impostor or an actor trying to play a role of a genius. SO instead lf trying to reach the standard I went for the easy route and kick the standards down to the ground and eventually everyone expected nothing. At first it was fine but as time passed by my God Complex ego needed validation to push away the fear of being average I developed from years of ego inflation

This habit also crippled me, I stopped doing everything bc i knew i had the potential to do it so why bother when the reality is I fear failure and deep inside I was protecting my ego from reality. I became nihilistic, depressed, isolated, and lifeless. I became obsessed with superiority to the point where I hated successful people bc I THOUGHT Id do better if i had the opportunity even tho the reality was I dugged a hole to my grave and i gaslit myself into thinking it was a rational decision. Now I am left with nothing but a potential which is worthless

Anyways Im 18 now, I still struggle a lot especially with nihilism and self worth but I am recovering, Sometimes i feel like its too late to start at the starting line even if i have the advantage of driving a racecar while everyones using their legs, also for me challenges feels more of like an attack rather than a dopamine hit of eureka or idk a lightbulb boner, every failure feels like death or a game over screen, and every success feels expected rather than celebrated

Can an anomaly be human? I feel too flawed to be a system and too systematic to be organic, I struggle with insecurity emotions and high school dramas that my brain thinks are below me but I cant help? I dont really want to be a genius or a gifted but it is my reality and ik it sounds out of touch but really its a hassle being aware while trying to live carefree so yeah it does affect me even if i pretend likes its not there

my range is 130-160 I never had a proper proctored test bc it costs like 1 month worth of salary in my country plus my mother think its useless paying for something I already know, I only got that from University estimates (I think its somewhat inaccurate bc its unbelievable for me but its what I consistently get especially @ 150~ and the tests are conducted by board psychologists from esteemed universities so my expectations in somehwere within 120-140) also i understand if you’re skeptic especially when im writing like this so if you want me to prove to you idk how but I got 140~ on mensa org test online idk if that counts im new to life its my first time living