I don’t know what to do.
I (17F) am a junior in high school, and I don’t know what to do. I’m a honor roll student, I play three sports, I play the violin, and I want to major in psychology in college. I just try to keep busy and lately I’ve been trying to find a job, like really trying but that’s not really my main focus. I know a job is important but I’m focused on graduating and not giving up towards the end.
My mom says I’m lazy and that I basically don’t have any clue of what I want to do with my life, she says that I’m soft and don’t know anything about the world. For background I love my mom of course but I don’t think we have the best relationship. We argue almost everyday and it’s about little things like my clothes or my hair, my friends, but mostly it’s about me getting a job. I had a job for a month but then I quit because I had an altercation with my manager, which I asked my mom to handle and she just completely told me to quit which I did. Now she blames me and say I could have just handled it myself and kept my job.
Ever since I turned 15, my mom has been on me to get a job. She doesn’t care about my sports or my clubs, she only remembers I do then when I remind her or when she wants to brag about me which is not long lasted because she’ll go and talk about all the things I haven’t done yet. I have three youngest brothers who literally do whatever they want, they’re 15,14, and 7.
Sometimes I feel like my mom doesn’t care about me and only cares about my brothers. I’ve been doing sports most of my life and my mom would either just drop me off, sit in the car, or sleep through my games or violin recitals. But when it’s my brothers she’s front and center, she goes to most of their games and she’ll take days off work to make sure she gets there. It feels like I’m always an after thought. I hate it.
Sometimes I really struggle to get out of bed, I’ve had depression since I was 12 but never actually was diagnosed with it because my mom says everyone gets depressed they just get over it. There’s times when I really just want to lay there and die and sometimes where I feel like I’m at the top of the world, or sometimes where I just feel like I’ll never be good enough for her.
I want to make my mom proud like my brother do but it feels like I have to do so much while the do the bare minimum for her attention. I don’t know what to do.
Am I really lazy? I just want to make her happy but sometimes no matter what I do, I can’t and it hurts because I try my best to.
Any advice for me?