20M I’m such a disappointing person I can’t keep up the facade much longer
I’ve struggled pretty bad with “mental health” my whole life. Idk if something fucked me up as kid or if I was just meant to be like this. I almost pulled the trigger about 2 years ago after the loss of my best and only friend. I’ve never told anyone about my issues my parents hardly know and everyone thinks I’m a normal guy with my head on straight. I’m in the military now I guess I thought I could find some meaning or purpose in my life, that was an awful mistake. Although I excel at my job and seem pretty squared away I abuse some pretty dirty substances that fly under the radar as far as drug testing goes I’ve cut myself and done some pretty reckless self destructive things. The only reason I haven’t fully kicked the chair yet is because I love this girl too much to put her through it and I know she would follow right after me if I did. I’m not built for this world I just can’t process my own existence and I can’t shake this feeling of despair thats followed me so long.