u/Puzzleheaded_Elk962

41M separated 2.5 years, divorce finalized for 6 months now. Have a 4 year old son who has been through A LOT and needs lots of extra attention and care.

I’m so incredibly sad and lonely. The divorce was absolutely awful and the situation my ex put our through was unthinkable. As a result, I have basically full custody. Which is good and necessary and I love my son and every minute I get to spend with him more than anything. He’s the most important thing in my world and I’d do anything for him. Which is good because he needs a LOT.

He’s been through substantial, sustained trauma and he’s in play therapy for it. I’ve also been in both individual therapy and group therapy specifically for divorce since the onset of the separation, so 2.5 years now, and during the divorce process I was put through a tremendous amount of trauma myself, and have been diagnosed with PTSD from it, which is notable because it’s the SECOND instance in my life that I’ve gone through that’s led to a diagnosis of PTSD, MDD, and GAD. The original PTSD case—dating back to my early teens but not diagnosed or treated until my late 20’s—is so severe I’m technically disabled by it. It’s a VERY invisible disability though and I hide it extremely well. I can know people very well for years and they have no idea I’m technically disabled, or have these issues. I can do one heck of an impression of a very interesting and fun extrovert comfortable with attention (my therapists and I are aware it’s a defense/coping mechanism, but the truth is my conditions are so bad it really is necessary for me to be able to function normally in the world, so it’s a mask I’ve gotten very comfortable slipping in and out of).

I preface with all of this because my situation is extremely complicated. I’m a middle-aged man with no friends or social life, and making time for it feels impossible. I have a limited income due to my disability, so getting a babysitter isn’t an option. Even if it was, the comprehensive nature of my son’s needs and the specific details of what he was subjected to make it very unlikely he would handle having a sitter very well. He’s in a wonderful preschool and manages that okay, with help, but a lot of the worst things he experienced were at night, revolving around evening/bedtime rituals and sleep, and he’s nowhere near ready to not have me there for that. I do have my parents who he loves and can watch him somewhat, but they’re elderly, in poor health, and a major part of my life is caring for them, too. While they are the best (and only) option for someone other than me watching him and they would probably be able to keep him from having panic attacks at bedtime, it’s not something I can lean on too often, both because of my son’s needs and their own needs and limited abilities.

The point is that sometimes, to my infinite shame, I do feel trapped by my son and the situation his mom created for us, the mess she made that I will have to spend the rest of his childhood cleaning up. I’m so incredibly lonely and sad, although I have spent most of my life living with PTSD, MDD, and GAD, and so am extremely practiced at hiding it, and I know I’m good at it, that people are never aware unless I choose to let them in on my inner life. I want the chance to find someone again, to at least LOOK for someone again, or even just find friends and have both the logistical availability and confidence to do things with them things for myself. I’ve been living for absolutely nothing except my son for the last 2.5 years, and I think he would benefit a lot more if I was able to live for myself some, but I don’t know how.

I’m a decent looking guy for my age, dress really well, and I know I’m very kind and sweet and thoughtful and am a great conversationalist. Despite my various conditions, I’ve learned how to carry myself with both confidence and a likable sense of self-depreciation—I don’t take myself too seriously or anything. I know I’m interesting (being a secret introvert and having spent most of my life reading and thinking and writing essays about any and everything has given me so many advantages in finding interesting things to talk about that match the interests of whoever I’m interacting with) and a great talker and listener and can have a good conversation with anyone about anything. I’ve been told all of this by too many people to count throughout my life, and I honestly just know it and am really confident in my ability to be fun and engaging (it also helps that I’m a writer and used to do comedy writing and stand up, so I can make people laugh easily and naturally). I’m also told over and over what an incredible dad I am, and how amazing and sweet and adorable my son is, and I know all of those things can be really attractive to a lot of women. I don’t really have trouble attracting women or getting to know them and taking things at whatever speed they’re comfortable with, but moving towards dating if that’s something I’m interested in with them. Even with my disability, limited earning capacity, and mental health struggles—which I’m open about as soon as I can be without making things weird—I tend to be charming and enjoyable enough that they don’t present much of an issue.

The problem is that because of how limited the scope of my life is right now, I basically never find myself in a situation where I can actually meet people, be they women I’m interested in or just men or women as friends. My life consists of taking my son to and from preschool. I work from home on a limited basis due to the disability and really have no interaction with anyone else during that, so I don’t have co-workers or work friends or anything. I’m well aware of things like running clubs, game nights, clubs built around interests and hobbies, but the truth is it just feels like I don’t have time to remotely engage in any of that with everything else I have going on.

I’ve been on the apps, and have no problem matching and meeting women through them, but for whatever reason they’ve either tended to be too far away for it to be feasible given how limited my time away from my son would have to be, or their life looks so different from mine that it becomes clear we’re just at different places and not compatible at least right now. Those women tend not to understand how much my responsibilities as a full-time single dad with full custody requires of me, and why I’m not as constantly available as the men they’re used to dating, even though I explain everything up front and tell them there will be a lot of times that I won’t be able to talk or text or meet up, but will get back to them the moment t I can (and always do) and they say they understand and not only is it not a problem, but it’s attractive to them. Unfortunately it seems like when they’re faced with the reality, it’s still attractive, but the reality of me having to live a life where my son has a lot of needs and those needs come first is something they weren’t as prepared for as they thought. I’ve had hundreds of matches, managed to find time to go on at least one or two dates with about 8 women in the last 2 or so years, but none of them were something that was going to be able to work around my preexisting responsibilities (and even though I have gone into detail on everything that’s required of me, I am INCREDIBLY flexible and generous with my time and attention when it’s not literally required to be elsewhere).

I’ve also tried meeting women at the park when I take my son to play, and single moms at my son’s school, but the dating pool in those places is so tiny it’s not really viable, although I am slowly trying to build some non-romantic friendships there as the opportunities present themselves, but that takes a lot of time because I, like all the other parents, are just in and out to drop off and pick up except in the rare event of some sort of function, and with my son’s trauma he clings to me a the park which makes it very difficult to talk to other parents.

I’d LOVE to meet women in a similar position to me, honestly. Women who know the rigors and demands of being a single parent, who know how hard it is, who do it anyway, who don’t want to do this alone, who will be understanding when I can’t text back in 30 seconds while I’m reading to my son or eating a meal I just cooked with him or putting him to bed, that I can’t be up all night because my mornings start early and are nothing but (joyful) work until bedtime and don’t hold it against me. Maybe who have been through a difficult divorce themselves and are looking for someone who understands what that’s like the same way I am and do. Just someone to share time and laughs and joy with, who understands the idiosyncrasies of this brutal and beautiful life of raising a child on your own.

So to anyone who has been in my position, or known someone who is, any thoughts? Advice? Words of encouragement? Anything at all? This is a HARD life to live, and it’s even harder to do alone, with no companionship other than a 4 year old I’m literally responsible for. I’m desperate for contact, for adult companionship, both romantic and friendly. I’ve almost forgotten who I am outside of my identity of divorced single dad, and I know that no matter how great of a dad I am, I could be better and show up for my son even more if I was able to fulfill some of my own personal needs. It’s just so hard as to feel almost impossible. Any help or even just kind words would mean more than I can express!