u/Putrid_Eye_2466

Me (20M) and my girlfriend (20F) have been in a long distance relationship for about 1 year now. I’m creation so we often see each other at events maybe every month or two, but it’s not too often. I’ve known her for around five years now since we often times operate in the same circles due to work. She also has a full-time job so she is often extremely busy. Going into the relationship we both knew the relationship would be hard. There have been many bumps in the road, from us both working long schedules with a time difference, two times of cheating that I know about on her end, actions and words that have made me uncomfortable, etc. in the past, I have seen her flirt with other dudes that we work with and she calls it a joke, she has a weird relationship with her guy, best friend that I’m pretty sure she used to be romantically involved with, and she traveled to the state that he used to live in for a solo trip and when I confronted her about it, she had said that she already had told him that me and her were dating and she was gonna go visit one of her other friends in local area and was not going to see him. She also had a knack of turning off her location, going to random parties and staying the night in random hotels without telling me first, and more that have since not happened recently, but I think it has played the role in our relationship dynamic. It is also safe to say that we have overcome a lot of those things, and that is something that I am proud of. But I cannot deny that we still have a long way to go.

I feel a lack of effort on her end. Whenever we have serious conversations it seems like it’s always me having to initiate them, and I never feel like my feelings or words are taken seriously after expressing my concerns. She also doesn’t really make time for me, going days without responding. We almost broke up a few weeks ago, but we decided to keep it going and we are planning on having a larger conversation to continue figure out if we can make it work in person. Even romantically sometimes it feels like I’m doing the heavy lifting in both sexual, conversational, and romantically. I don’t think this relationship would work if I didn’t try really hard to make it work.

I really want to make this work. It’s not like she’s a complete robot all the time. I know she has feelings but it seems like she has trouble expressing them, in an avoidant way. She says that she is emotionally receptive and understands feelings, but sometimes it does not feel that way. Whenever I try to express my discontent with the relationship or something that she has done over text or voice message, it usually never gets a substance response. She’ll either selectively not answer it or she would just not respond for days and act like nothing has happened. Or she’ll use something that I’ve done in the past to totally ignore the conversation that I brought up.

Maybe me trying too hard is a turn off? Or maybe I’m not understanding enough of her time and situation? Sometimes it feels like she doesn’t even like me, and that scares me to death, and I don’t know what to do about it. I just don’t know what to do, since I’m afraid of trying in fear that someone I’m in love with will reject me, but it also gives me too much anxiety to leave it buried.

How do I express my feelings in a way that won’t get shut down or ignored? How do I make my presence felt? How do I get the answers/response I need?

Me (20M) and my girlfriend (20F) have been in a long distance relationship for about 2 years now. Going into the relationship we both knew the relationship would be hard. There have been many bumps in the road, from us both working long schedules with a time difference, infidelity on her end, actions and words that have made me uncomfortable, etc. It is also safe to say that we have overcome a lot of those things, and that is something that I am proud of. But I cannot deny that we still have a long way to go.

I feel a lack of effort on her end. Whenever we have serious conversations it seems like it’s always me having to initiate them, and I never feel like my feelings or words are taken seriously after expressing my concerns. She also doesn’t really make time for me, going days without responding. We almost broke up a few weeks ago, but we decided to keep it going and we are planning on having a larger conversation to continue figure out if we can make it work. Even romantically sometimes it feels like I’m doing the heavy lifting in both sexual, conversational, and romantically. I don’t think this relationship would work if I didn’t try really hard to make it work.

I really want to make this work. It’s not like she’s a complete robot all the time. I know she has feelings but it seems like she has trouble expressing them, in an avoidant way. Maybe me trying too hard is a turn off? Or maybe I’m not understanding enough of her time and situation? Sometimes it feels like she doesn’t even like me, and that scares me to death, and I don’t know what to do about it. I just don’t know what to do, since I’m afraid of trying in fear that someone I’m in love with will reject me, but it also gives me too much anxiety to leave it buried.

How do I express my feelings in a way that won’t get shut down or ignored? How do I make my presence felt? How do I get the answers/response I need?

Hello,

Me (24M) and my GF (23F) have been doing long distance for almost 2 years now. We met at TwitchCon, and are able to see each other and maybe once a month. I am currently working on getting my degree for electrical engineering at a trade school. We have had some problems in the past due to infidelity on her end, which hasn’t got to the point of sex (as far as I know), but has happened to flirting with other dudes, going on a date while we were first dating, and also kissing our mutual friend while drunk. We’ve done an OK job of talking through these things and a lot of this behavior has not been repeated in a long time, but sometimes I still have doubt.

The long distance doesn’t help with intimacy. We don’t have sex very much when we do see each other, and she doesn’t really seem to have a sexual drive when it comes to me. She is not very intimate or lovey-dovey, and is often very busy working at a hospital, since she is a nurse, so we don’t call or text super often sometimes. Sometimes it makes me feel unloved. We’ve tried to have a conversation about these things sometimes, but they haven’t been huge leaps in progress. She doesn’t like being very vulnerable for wrong or chastised if that helps. Both of her parents died, and she was really young, she was abused as a kid in foster home, and sometimes struggles when faced with criticism or controversy, even if she is good with responding to it. That makes me a little scared to have these conversations with her.

Another thing that bothers me is that when she talks about relationship stuff, she acts or says it in a way that bothers me sometimes. For example, she will say things like, “ if I had a boyfriend like that”, or “ if I have kids one day”, which makes it feel like she’s not considering me much in the future. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I would assume if we were dating for so long, she would say “ if you did something like that”, or “ if we have kids in the future”, and those are the type of things that make me feel like she doesn’t really see this as an actual relationship. Sometimes it feels like I’m doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. I want to feel the love that she has for me, or at least show that she likes me more clearly and like she’s not hiding our relationship or in the effort, at least try to make that happen.

Does anybody have advice for how to make this better? I know we both love each other, but I feel like I show it more than she does sometimes and I don’t know if that’s because she doesn’t feel that way, or because she’s too busy, or because she just does not show affection in that way. I really want to make this work and I think it can work, I think it requires figuring out how to have conversation conversations to make these things better but I don’t know where to start without seeming or feeling like an asshole.