How do I talk to my wife about getting better together
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My wife (F26) and I (M28), have been together about 9 years, and married for 2. We have been basically attached at the hip our whole relationship. We love and respect each other emotionally and have been supporting each other our whole relationship since we both have one form or another of mental illness that we struggle with. I have ADHD and anxiety, and she has bpd. Not sure if that's relevant, but it has caused a lot of miscommunication between us. We have gotten very good at recognizing when we have a miscommunication that turns into a bigger argument, and usually one of us is able to be the calmer one that can direct the conversation to something productive so we can both understand each other better. All of this is just to say that we have a good relationship in a lot of aspects, but there have been some glaring issues that I cannot seem to overlook.
The first is that she has tried to find a real career that she can work in for the foreseeable future over the last 5 years. I have supported us financially completely on my own for 3 full years, with her finding a job for a short stint of a month or so with long breaks of 6 months or more between. This has put a lot of stress on my shoulders, and I've been able to manage it well, but in this economy having one modest income is not enough. I have supported her in trying multiple new career paths, but every time she finds something to justify why she cannot work there any longer and wants to just give up. I always tell her that it can get better, and jobs will never be perfect, but it seems that she cannot build up enough mental fortitude to stick it out until she finds a different job. We have been working on not masking at work or in public and being her authentic self so she doesn't get burnt out on pretending all day long, but there had been little progress in that helping.
The other part of that is she doesn't like to help me with chores around the house when she doesn't work. I cook, clean the kitchen, dishes, vacuum, clean the majority of the house, and she sporadically does the laundry. She also doesn't take care of herself at all. I have to carry the mental load of keeping her healthy. I design meal plans for us for the week on conjunction with her of course, but with little more than a, "idk whatever you wanna make for us." I have to remind her to shower occasionally, drink water regularly, and go for a walk with me. She has gained a significant amount of weight since we started dating, but that is not the issue. I love her for her, not just for looks. She has a family history of health conditions related to being overweight, so it is important to manage it while we are still young. I have a very active career where I have the opportunity to find some cool spots for hiking and camping in the mountains ,and I would love to experience them with her but she cannot physically keep up with me. I would love to get to the point one day where I can have these experiences with her finally.
On top of these issues, there is an issue in the bedroom of course. Whether it's an issue with self confidence or just a general uncomfortableness she feels, it sex life isn't great. We go weeks at a time without being intimate, and then we have one weekend where we get busy everyday. She always has a good time, but I cannot say the same. It can be difficult some times as I can cause her some pain if I last too long and she has multiple orgasms. She gets tired of it, and then I ask to be finished and she says maybe later. Nothing happens later on though, it's usually multiple days before there's even a whiff of more action. This can be very frustrating, as I feel I give my all to her in multiple facets of our relationship, but it doesn't seem as though she gives me the same. This is causing a feeling of resentment in me that I don't want to feel towards her. I'm a very level headed guy and am good and being introspective, but I don't know how to place these feelings or how to get them to subside.
I have brought this up with her before, and we have had long conversations about it, but I don't see much overall improvement from her.
I'm just looking for some advice on how to approach this with her in a new light, or any other suggestions to help continue to build our relationship stronger. Obviously, I don't want to get a divorce, it else I wouldn't have married her in the first place. Thank you for the help!
Tl;dr
My wife and I have a strained relationship from discrepancies in mental load, work load, and sexual wellness. How can I talk with her to make a serious change?