questioning/first relationship with a woman
Bare with me. I have a lot, but will keep it as short and sweet as possible.
I feel I've always had an attraction to women, specifically mascs. But it was always me brushing it off going "eh I'm pretty sure every woman probably feels this way." I had a few encounters with friends when I was younger, but have never actually had a relationship or sex with a woman. Because I come from a very christian background, I think I just always naturally suppressed this side of me. I've been going through a deconstruction phase the past couple years and frankly just don't give a damn anymore, but of course it's still a part of my life as far as family dynamics go.
Fast forward to a trip I took very recently. I met a girl on that trip and we instantly hit it off and I felt a strong connection and heavy attraction towards her. She talked to me about how she typically, for some reason, ended up with more feminine women who it was their first experience with another woman. That was kind of red flaggy to me, but I feel like I was already so infatuated with her that I didn't think twice about it.
So we've been talking and actually still didn't have sex. It has just been make outs and some heavy petting so far. But now we're back home in our respective parts of the country (which are SO far apart) and it's weird trying to make long distance work since it's so fresh and we actually never laid out any expectations. But I feel like the conversations are dying down and she's pulling away.
Basically, I'm spiraling and can't get her out of my head even though I'm trying to rationalize and detach. She's genuinely consuming all of my thoughts because the dopamine from the vacation coupled with her being my first true experience with a woman has me messed up. Now the sudden drop in dopamine has me in my feels.
I guess I need advice in general. Any tips for late bloomers/baby gays from super conservative upbringings? Was the comment she made a red flag? We specifically talked about how she felt a lot of women use lesbians as just an experiment and I told her that wasn't what I wanted and that I genuinely wanted to get to know her and not just have sex. However, now in hindsight it's kind of feeling like she did the same thing to me? idk how to feel but on top of the questioning my own sexuality at this age, I'm now just stressed about losing her.
I ended up down a tiktok rabbit hole about mascs going for straight/bi curious women being a "canon event" and now I'm like well shit. I just don't understand how in less than a month I'm so obsessed with her. Can someone please explain/talk sense into me?