I just lost the love of my life because of a poor choice I made. I had encouraged her to go to law school as everyone else told her she couldn’t do it in her life. We pooled our money and everything we had into helping push her over the finish line. After countless nights of writing essays and months of us working towards this goal she got in. And although she wanted to stay home I encouraged her to open up her horizons because there was only one time in her life to do this. I always told her I was happy with her now and everything she was doing but to not pick to not try just out of fear. She got into a school states away and didn’t want to visit because it was very high ranking and far. I told her just gov heck it out we made it all this way you might as well look. We didn’t have the money for both of us to go.
She went and said it was the place for her. She wanted to just focus on studies and have no distractions so she pushed back on getting friends but I pushed back and told her it would break her if she didn’t do something else to let off steam. So she made some friends. And I had no issues her first year. We missed each other but I helped her move in and we used the last of our money to get everything she needed. I wanted to stay but I didn’t want to distract her and I know she wanted to experience living alone she spent undergrad with her grandparents. I am blind but very independent so I wanted to go back home and build a future for myself and a foundation for us so when she got out we could both be doing well.
One night I was checking on the bunny I got her when we first dated. We kept cameras on our pets and she kept some around the apartment for security. I overheard her on a phone call and her friend was saying mean stuff about me and my fiancee was agreeing with her. I texted my fiancee and told her what I heard and she pushed back and told me that was a private convo. I pushed back and said I know girls chat but I feel like there is a line.
After that I confided in my stepsister who I had only known the past year as she moved here from an international country. She was a psychology major and so she would tell me how to feel about the pain and distance I was feeling. Well to cut the long story down there was a night where we texted sexual stuff. Immediately I felt pretty guilty and we both agreed it was a bad idea and unsent everything and agreed to never talk about it again. She asked me not to tell anyone because it would look bad. O couldn’t though I felt so guilty and the next day I told my fiancee and I ended things with her because I knew she deserved someone better. But she wanted to stay together and we struggled through the pain I caused.
I wish I could say I fully understood everything then. She started treating me a lot more harshly and I tried to defend my actions and felt like if she chose to stay with me why was she punishing me for telling her the truth and trying my best to be better.
Now I realize that she wasn’t and she was more graceful than I deserved. She tried to stay because she loved me. But even if there was nothing physical and nothing going on anymore she couldn’t know that or even if she did she might not have been able to handle that.
I thought that because a few years later I saw messages pop up on her iPad with another guy and we have never been the type to not trust each other but I didn’t recognize the name and a lot were popping up she let me use the iPad to buld a Lego bevause I can’t use regular instructions. She told this guy that was flirting with her that she didn’t know if we’d make it through law school. I was upset but later that night I forgave her because I thought it was a mistake and maybe she didn’t know how to end the convo with this guy.
She told me her friends and counselor said that doesn’t count and I’m only bringing it up to alleviate my guilt. And it confused me because I felt I made a bad choice just like she did.
Looking back I can see now why things happened how they did. I didn’t know the affects even something so small could cause. Not to mention who it was with and the distance. I ruined possibly the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We really loved each other and we communicated very well. We had our issues like everyone but we always tried to grow and be better people. Even in the breakup I’ve tried to be civil I moved my stuff out of our combined storage to my new business one and she asked if I could move her stuff too to help her not pay as much and she would come to get it soon. She told me she was coming into town and to drop off the key at her grandfathers and so I did I put it in am envelope with the code to get in and I went and sorted her stuff from mine and if it was anything that was up in the air I just put it on her side.
I’ve gone to counseling and I’ve gone more in depth. But I feel like even though I’m starting to understand her more I still hate myself and actually the more I understand how she felt the more I hate myself. I know I’m a real problem and honestly I don’t see it getting better from here. I think I might not want to live past this. Being a cheater is not a label I wanted. And I’ve never had anywhere close to an issue in the past and I was tempted by people when I worked in congress in DC when her and I first met. I’ve never ever even thought about it I loved her. I think looking back it was connecting my emotions to someone of the opposite gender was dangerous and looking back now I also see moments where I think she wanted to cause some cracks between me and my fiancee.
But no matter the reasons I know I made the choice and that’s what kills me because I really don’t get why. I had everything I wanted in life and a partner.
I think maybe there is no life after this and I would be removing a burden from everyone’s life if I was gone. I don’t know how anyone lives a life knowing how much they hurt someone they loved.