u/Psychedelic_Sheep_

I (29F) and my husband (35M) have been together since 2020. This is a long, ongoing family dynamic involving my father-in-law that has escalated over years into repeated boundary violations, control issues, and accusations. I need outside perspective because at this point I feel completely drained.

For Context: My father-in-law has a very abrasive and controlling personality, with a long-standing enmeshed relationship with my husband. There is a younger son as well, but my husband has always been his primary focus. Their relationship has had multiple ruptures over the years even before I was in the picture.

My mother-in-law often tries to mediate or smooth things over, but privately she has sometimes admitted she does not agree with his behavior. However, she tends to rationalize or de-escalate him because when she does not, he becomes extremely difficult to live with and emotionally dominates the household. This has been described even in past family situations as him “terrorizing the house” until things are appeased.

Braise for impact, this is a long one

I made a little timeline of events !

2020–2021: early relationship

We met and started dating in 2020 while living in Europe as expats. In 2021, my father-in-law first met me and immediately expressed doubt about our relationship, saying he wasn’t sure I would be the one my husband would marry.

March 2022: Dominican Republic trip

My husband had a 10-day work vacation window (we worked for the same employer in different roles, and housing was part of our contract).

He spent the first ~5 days in the Dominican Republic on a work trip where my father-in-law joined him alone. After that, my husband was supposed to continue his remaining vacation with me in Rome.

My father-in-law pushed hard for my husband to cancel Rome and instead extend time with him in the US.

My husband did not cancel our plans.

Afterwards, my father-in-law accused me of being “jealous of their trip” and claimed I was influencing my husband against him.

August 2022: Azores / France / Switzerland overlap

We all traveled together to the Azores (me, husband, mother-in-law, father-in-law). During this trip, my father-in-law told my husband (not me) that he should “reconsider” our relationship.

Afterwards: • mother-in-law returned to the US • father-in-law stayed in our apartment in France for ~5 days • then went on a father-son trip with my husband to Switzerland while I stayed behind

While staying in our home in France, he: • questioned whether I “needed to stay there” in the apartment • referred to the space as “too busy” • made repeated comments implying I was an inconvenience in my own home • created tension around me being present at all

At dinner, he told me I should pay because I “don’t pay rent,” despite the fact that neither of us paid rent (our housing was provided through both of our work contracts in different roles under the same employer). When I pointed this out, it escalated into awkward tension rather than acknowledgment.

At one point, when I was referred to as an “in-law,” he said:

“Excuse me, I am not your in-law yet.”

There were multiple socially dismissive moments throughout his stay, including exclusionary behavior and undermining comments.

In Switzerland, my husband later told me he continued pushing a narrative that I was not right for him and that my husband should reconsider the relationship.

September 2022: post-trip phone call

After Switzerland, he told my husband: • he “liked me but thought I was jealous of trips” • he had “never seen me behave normally in family dynamics”

When my husband confronted him about earlier comments, he denied everything and became angry.

October 2022: civil partnership discussions

During discussions about legal planning, he accused me of manipulating my husband and later implied I was “seducing him with sex.” When I asked him to speak directly rather than make assumptions, he interpreted it as me threatening him.

December 2022: Venezuela emergency

I was stuck in Venezuela due to a family emergency.

During this time, he told my husband:

“This is the perfect time for you to leave her.”

2023: engagement + wedding

We got engaged in February 2023.

Around the same time, my mother was diagnosed with cancer (multiple myeloma), and we decided on a simple wedding in May 2023.

My father-in-law initially agreed but later said he might not attend and repeatedly criticized timing.

Six weeks before the wedding, my husband’s grandmother passed away. Due to work, my husband could not attend the funeral.

My father-in-law heavily blamed him and framed it as choosing me over family.

At the wedding: • he told guests he “didn’t know it was a wedding” • implied he had been “deceived” • congratulated my husband but walked past me without acknowledging me

2024: escalation + private confrontation

During a visit in France, things escalated significantly.

Afterwards: • he unfollowed me on Instagram • posted passive-aggressive content on Facebook • told my husband I did not like them

The stated reason became that I had not posted him on my Instagram stories during their visit.

When my husband confronted him, he reframed it as exclusion.

My husband then brought up something he had said privately to me during the visit. My father-in-law denied the conversation ever happened entirely.

From that point: • he insisted I was lying • demanded acknowledgment of wrongdoing from me • refused to resolve inconsistencies • escalated into a pattern of denial and blame-shifting

2025: move to the US + breakdown of contact

When we moved to the United States, he stated he did not want to see us due to “the situation” and the “outcome” of everything.

Trail Day (July 2025)

My mother-in-law organized a family hike for visiting relatives during Fourth of July weekend.

That morning, while we were getting ready, she told us my father-in-law said we should not come because he was “not resolved.”

My husband responded that if he had an issue, he could stay home, but excluding everyone else made no sense.

We went anyway.

At the hike: • he did not greet us • avoided interaction entirely • spent the event visibly disengaged • created tension that other family members noticed

Afterwards: • he tried to message my husband like nothing happened • my husband told him it was unacceptable • he responded by again referencing alleged “lies” about a family friend (who, when asked, had no idea what we were talking about)

A week later, my husband went no contact and blocked him.

My father-in-law then emailed, partially apologizing but also saying he felt “uncomfortable around me” due to me “blowing things out of proportion,” while claiming he would “try” to move forward.

Post-Trail Day / current stance

In October 2025 he found out that I was pregnant, the first thing he proceeded to do was to question wether it was a surprise or not (it was but we said was a happy surprise) and all he said was “I don’t see how this can be a surprise… weren’t you using birth control?” To my husband. Couple of days later he said to my husband he was trying to get to a better place with me but “not there yet” since there was “too much baggage”… a week later we told MIL we were having a girl and ever since she has been making sure I’m included in family gatherings, and trying to be nice with me. He remains cold and distant but at least he says hello.

Current situation

-He is now intermittently engaging but remains cold and avoidant

Current issue (ongoing)

Recently, he re-opened conflict around our baby’s name, insisting: • it is “not normal” to choose a name before birth • it conflicts with tradition • questioning my husband repeatedly about who does this • dismissing explanations even when previously settled

At this point I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as unhealthy as it feels after years of escalation.

WIBTA for wanting very low contact and complete emotional distance from him moving forward?

My husband and I are expecting our first baby, a girl, and we have already chosen her name: Olivia Claire.

For context, my husband’s family is American Jewish and I am Venezuelan Catholic. We are not raising our child in a strictly religious framework on either side. We plan to expose her to both cultures and holidays, but not baptise or raise her within formal religious structures because we want her to choose later.

We shared the baby name with his parents early on when we found out the gender in November. My mother-in-law reacted positively and said it was a beautiful name. My father-in-law also initially said it was a beautiful name. He was aware of the name from the beginning.

In January, my father-in-law brought up the fact that we had chosen the name before birth. He said he had never heard of that in his life.

He said things like: • “I’ve never heard that in my life” • “We did not choose your husband’s name until after he was born” • It must be a cultural thing from “those countries over there”

My husband responded that plenty of people choose names before birth and that it is normal in our experience.

My father-in-law pushed back and insisted it was not normal and seemed very fixed on his view based on his personal experience.

That conversation ended there and the name was not changed.

Around Passover, my mother made small gifts for the baby, including teddy bear candles with hearts and a card with the baby’s name.

I sent a photo to my mother-in-law and the family group. My father-in-law did not respond in the group but privately texted my husband saying that Claire is spelled C-L-A-R-E, referring to his mother’s name.

My husband acknowledged he knew and explained that we were using the spelling Claire with an I because we preferred it, while still honoring her.

My father-in-law questioned why we would spell it that way if the intention was to honor his mother.

My husband repeated that we still consider it honoring her but we preferred the spelling.

He responded that he was surprised but it was fine.

Today my father-in-law brought up the baby name topic again with my husband.

He started by saying that naming a baby before birth is not normal. My husband responded that plenty of people do it, and that it is very common in our experience.

My father-in-law then said that in Jewish tradition, babies are named after they are born. My husband was genuinely unaware of this and said “really?” and my father-in-law even showed him something on his phone as reference.

My husband responded calmly and said that even if that is a tradition in some contexts, many people still choose or decide on names before birth or during pregnancy.

My father-in-law then repeated that he has never seen that before and does not know anyone who does that, and said again that it is not normal.

He then pushed further and asked my husband directly things like: • “Who do you know that does that?” • “Which friends?” • “Are you sure?”

My husband started giving real examples of couples we personally know who had chosen or known their baby names before birth. My father-in-law challenged each example, asking specifically whether they knew the name before birth.

My husband confirmed that yes, in some cases they did.

Even after this, my father-in-law still came back to the same conclusion that it is “still not normal” based on his experience, despite the examples given.

The conversation didn’t become heated, but it felt like a loop where even when evidence or examples were provided, the conclusion did not change.

Sorry for how long this post is, I just need to vent.

I think what is really getting to me is not even just the baby name conversation itself, but the pattern behind it. My father-in-law has always had a very intense dynamic with my husband. It has felt very involved and sometimes controlling for a long time, even before we got engaged.

There has also been tension between him and me from early on, although it has softened a bit over time. Still, moments like this make me feel like certain themes keep repeating, especially around my husband making decisions and them being questioned or challenged.

Right now I just feel frustrated and a bit stuck in it. I am not even sure if I am overreacting or if this is just what happens with family dynamics sometimes. I just needed to get it out and see how others would interpret it.

What do you guys think?