I don't know.
I'm sorry for posting this, but i need to share it with someone or else i think i will explode. I have absolutely no one that i can talk to. Only my grandmother, and i can not speak of these things with her, for she is very ill and it would only make her sad.
I'm 31 years old. I think i have never had a true friend. There was once one who i considered a friend, i listened to her and we talked a lot online. But in person she would act very different, and she would stop talking with me every time she got a partner, and then resume when they broke up or there was some fight between them. She married a few years ago, so we are on a "happy birthday - once a year" ever since.
People usually stay away from me as soon as they see me. I am ugly. There is literally nothing in me that could be considered "decent".
I have tried to live my life normally, but i know i also lack most social skills, and it's getting worse with time. When people talk to me i no longer know how to respond, i don't know how to act.
This January, a colleague from work started coming to the room i usually stay at (I found a room where few people go, and i usually stay there on breaks). She found out and regularly went there and talked with me. Even with my lack of social skills and my ugliness she continued to go there. She said that she was trying to get to know me. I was very suspicious, this was something that has never happened.
Then, one day, out of nowhere, she hugged me and then asked to have a coffee with me outside of work.
No one had ever hugged me before (outside of close family of course). I feel like my feelings broke... and i agreed to the coffee. But i warned her that i was not good at it, that i had never been to a coffee with someone before... and i let her choose the time, date and place, for I was always free (we had a week of vacation the following week).
She choose the time for the coffee and told me that she wanted to understand what was going on with me and why i was like i was...
I spent the next week preparing mentally for this coffee. In my head i had to kill all the feelings that her hug unearthed. She is extremely beautiful, kind and happy. She has a full life, with boyfriend, tons of friends and activities. I could not understand why she would want to try to know me, or waste her time having a coffee with me.
I think i succeeded. I think i managed to work my mind not to have any feelings for her. I prepared to open up a bit to her, and explain what i am, and how i think. I thought i could finally have a "regular friend". Someone that would understand me and talk with me from time to time. I have no right to ask for more.
The day came... and i went, nervous as hell, for a simple coffee. Something i know "normal people" do everyday.
I waited two hours. She never showed up.
I should have trusted my gut. I should have never have let her talk with me. I should never have trusted her.
I don't know why she ever talked with me... maybe some bet or joke/game between other colleagues.
Humans are horrible. Why couldn't she had left me alone? I was surviving in my isolation.
In a way it was like a warning. I was weak to show weakness when she hugged me. I don't think it will ever happen again. But i must be ready to fight against any feelings towards other people.
I am the biggest idiot in the world. And, again, i'm sorry for making anyone reading this.