Telling my mom was brutal
Long vent ahead.
I'm a 33 year old woman, never been in a relationship, and just never wanted one that badly. Last year I started thinking seriously about whether or not I was going to have kids, and over the course of a year I realized I just don't want them. I kept putting off telling my mom but she asked me about it yesterday and I figured I might as well rip off the Band Aid. I recently told her I was genuinely okay if I don't ever get married, but we hadn't talked about kids.
She took it pretty badly and over the course of the conversation she said I wasn't the person she thought I was. I could tell it just slipped out, but regardless, it was brutal to hear.
My best friend passed away by suicide a few years ago, and it's been such a journey of coming to terms with the immense guilt I felt. The radical acceptance that I had to find spread to the rest of my life, and even though I always just thought my life would go a certain way, that I'd get married and have kids, I've accepted the fact that that's not actually the path I want (at least the kids part).
I'm the oldest daughter with younger brothers and definitely have "oldest daughter syndrome" - I was my mom's unsolicited therapist (until I drew a line after my friend's passing), and always tried to meet the expectations people have of female family members. Doing more housework, helping my mom get everything ready for family events, taking on more of the mental load of keeping the family and house organized, showing up to everything. And it feels like none of it mattered. I tried to be everything everyone wanted me to be, especially when I was younger. As an adult I've drawn more boundaries, but it still hurts to feel this way. I know I shouldn't care this much what my mom thinks, and a big part of me doesn't. But the little kid in me still does.
Today she she apologized for how she handled the conversation and said she would try therapy again - there's a lot of family stuff going on and she knows I'm not the therapist anymore.
I'm grateful she at least realized she should talk to someone. But I just wanted to post this vent. Thanks for the safe space.