Most days I’m okay
And then there’s days like today, when I think about it. I hate to be negative, but I just need to talk to people who understand. I’ve had genital herpes for almost two years, and I got it from my first partner who I was monogamous with. I had never dated anyone before him. I only had kissed one other person before him, and I thought I did everything right. I reserved intimacy for love, and I loved him so much. Eventually, the relationship turned bad and toxic, but I stayed for love. Then, at 19 while in a relationship with this person I had my first outbreak and was diagnosed. I thought I did everything right. I waited for the right person who turned out to be the wrong person, and when I finally left that toxic relationship, I had this virus with virtually no dating experience. Now, I’m 21 and still have yet to find another person I would want to be in a relationship with. My entire perspective on intimacy has shifted, and I’ve had two intimate partners since my last relationship and being diagnosed. I’ve had one bad disclosure, and many many breakdowns.
Even when I was intimate with these two people, I saw their fear and hesitation, and I just felt like I was this big hazard. Now, most days this doesn’t bother me simply because this doesn’t define who I am, and there’s virtually nothing I can do to change my circumstances. But today was just so hard. I just had a panic attack and broke down because I truly hate my body. Not for how it looks, but because of what I have. I hate it, and I wish I can crawl out of it. I hate looking at myself and not even being able to see this life changing thing that feels like it has so much power over me. I hate never being able to live as carelessly and for always having to think about how this may affect others. I hate that people will always have to take a risk if they want to get close with me physically.
I don’t even think I’m capable of loving anymore truly, and I know it’s not only because of this but because of the lasting affects of my past relationship. Nonetheless, I just feel entirely helpless and incredibly angry. I’m so angry I let that person into my life for all the things they did to me on top of this. Now, I will forever live with the consequences of loving this individual who did so much damage to me. I just miss who I was before I met this person.