The nothingness terrifies me, and the fact that one day my parents will simply "not exist." I want to do everything to make them live as long as possible.
Recently, I realized that if there is no God, death is the worst thing that could happen to a human being. It overwhelms me to look at deceased people – they were once vital, young, had consciousness, their own thoughts, and a will to live, and today they are simply nowhere to be found. They vanished.
This nothingness is the worst. I believe that suffering is better than nothingness, because suffering proves that you exist and it can be temporary, there is hope in it, whereas nothingness is eternal. What about people who died 2,000 years ago? No one remembers them.
Arguments about "leaving a mark behind" sound nice, but what good is it to the deceased person that they left something behind, since they are already gone?
Likewise, the argument that after death it will be like it was before birth doesn't convince me, because the nothingness before birth led to life, and the nothingness after death can be eternal, forever...
I am most afraid for my parents (they are already 60 years old). It's not about ordinary grief and the fact that I will miss them – that's obvious.
I am afraid that they simply won't exist. Good people who had feelings, their own consciousness, and referred to themselves as "I", will suddenly be nowhere in the universe.
I look into their eyes with the fear that they themselves are afraid of death, and I draw as much as I can from the moments I spend with them. My parents are believers, and I really don't want to draw them away from that faith.
With all my heart, I hope that what they believe in is true and that they will live forever.
Someone might say to record them, but for me, that's no solution. If I were to watch those recordings in the future, I would only cry, knowing that I won't find a person with such views and feelings even in the farthest corners of the Earth.
The realization that I can only look at them on a screen is unacceptable.
If immortality could be bought, I would spend every single penny. I am interested in longevity and Longevity Escape Velocity (LEV). I know that even if it's true, my parents' chances of "catching" it are marginal, especially given the current problems in medicine and the fact that they don't lead a strictly healthy lifestyle.
I have a modest budget and an ordinary job, so I won't discover any immortality for them myself, but with all my strength I want to get them to that point.
I plan to fight for their time and appreciate every moment with them, but in the moments when I am left alone with my thoughts, I just can't cope.