Please don't ignore this. My family is struggling.
My father recently had a Kidney Transplant, his sister was the donor. But the entire payment was done by my mother.
My parents have been married for past 24 years. He is 9 years elder to my mother. My father had a very unstable career. He works in a private company. But he used to be jobless for many years. This created a perpetual financial crisis since very beginning.
We don't own a house. We have always lived in rented flats. We recently sold our only car. Financial crisis currently is at peak due to Kidney Transplant.
The biggest problem is that, according to our experience, is that he is an extremely narcissistic person. He never takes anybody's suggestion, never considers anybody as his equal, humiliates and insults all of us (me, my mother and my sister). He is diabetic and has hypertension, still for many years he will not try to control his sugar cravings. We would eat sweets alone, hiding from him otherwise he would get angry. Whenever he wants something done, it should be done perfectly. But we cannot expect anything from him. He will always try to be a victim, "what did I do?", "I dont have anything", "How will I get money? Should I go and Beg?!". My mother is working, though at a lower profile, she tries to keep the house running as much as possible. But he will dismiss it by sarcastically saying, "Oh yes yes, its You who is doing, who am I to do anything, I havent done anything". Gaslighting and Sarcasm is his favourite weapon. He constantly gaslights us. We are extremely frustrated. He will not do anything properly. He has no friends. No backup. Nothing. And expects all of us to take care of everything, and take care of him as well, without complaining. We shouldnt expect anything. Only expectation should be that he will either start playing the victim card "my luck is very bad", "my mother is very bad" etc, or same old gaslighting, sarcasm and narcissistic abuse. His mother and his sisters are all a curse to our lives. They have mentally tortured my mother for years. Same gaslighting, sarcasm and narcissistic abuse.
The problem is that he doesnt just do it with my mother, he does it with me and my sister too. I am currently in pre-final year of college, my mental health is devastated. My sister is in +2, her mental health is also devastated. Because of constant gaslighting, all 3 of us blame ourselves all the time, that we are bad, and my father is okay with that. He has 0 consideration for what my mother has gone through for his kidney transplant, from documentation, to entirely financing the transplant to hospital visits everything was done on her own. She is not from some very high class background. She is also struggling a lot. But my father will always dismiss these, "what have you done?" , "you are just doing a low level job" "you arent earning much, I am the sole provider, I have to do everything". Interesting thing is, he is very clever too, if he wants to act victim, he forget somethings he said. If he wants to act superior, he will forget somethings. Few years back my mother's brother wanted some financial help from my mother, my father immediately snapped "Oh the person who never helps anybody is now asking for help". My mother got furious, she reminded him of the time when his mother (my paternal grandmother) needed surgery, he (mother's brother) sent the money. He is extremely professional in forgetting things he himself said.
He has a tobacco addiction, my sister once found tobacco lying in kitchen, she has always tried to stop him from consuming tobacco, but instead he grabbed her hair and shoved her head towards it, "YES SEE THAT!!" She was traumatized by this. The man whom we are trying to literally SAVE is now abusing us. He has also used abusive language (foul words) to her because she was unable to study.
I have shouted and got angry on him 2 times in past year. But the effect on him is 0. He believes he is absolutely perfect, and my mother is "brainwashing" us against him. We are wrong that we are angry at him.
My mother is extremely frustrated, hopeless and depressed. She works in an MNC but at a very low profile. She is desparate for a job change. She wants to escape all this, because at the end of the day all work will be done by her, my father will only judge bring her (and our) morale down, he is there to take, she is supposed to give selflessly. Problem is she is very self conscious too. She doesnt want to take a drastic step because "What will society say?" , "What will I do?", "I cannot will with that shame", "People will curse me", "They (my father's family/in laws) will curse me and destroy my life". She is depressed and hopeless, and its depressing for us too. We dont want her to go through this forever. Divorce, to her, is a VERY big step, for reasons mentioned above. What can she do without hurting herself, while being safe? This is becoming extremely depressing, please help us.