I feel so guilty (Long-distance relationship)
Okay so, first time posting and english is not my first language so I'm sorry for any mistakes, I just don't know what to do, and I needed to vent somewhere, I found this sub and I'm glad to know I'm not alone...
So, I'm tired. I've been in a long-distance relationship for 9 years with someone who has depression and suicidal tendencies. He (26M) and I(26F) met online through mutual friends when we were both minors, and we started dating when we were 16. From the beginning, I knew he had severe depression, but as a stubborn teen I thought I could handle it, but over the years it has become overwhelming due to a lack of psychological treatment, and has only worsened.
I know my situation is stupid because I could always end it, block his number, and move on with my life (or so my friends tell me when I talk about this), but I genuinely love this person, and that's why I feel so guilty for resenting him for so many things I've had to sacrifice for him (Things that I don't mention, but trust me everytime he does something for me, he tells me how much he sacrifices for me). I left my friends because he didn't like them, I distanced myself from my family because their opinions about him angered me... I did too many things and changed too many parts of myself just for him to be happy.
I answer messages 24/7, but that's not good enough because he thinks I'm too busy with college and don't dedicate enough time to him, and I know that maybe that is true, but I just feel so stuck when we are together, we have online dates, and I always try my best to come out with ideas for online dates to be fun, but he never wants to do anything! Nothing I suggest apeals to him and we end up doing the same boring thing, just watching a series or something he likes.
Lately I've been trying to go out more, to spend time with friends or family, to do fun stuff I enjoy, but he always ends up sad or telling me double sided things when I do.
And for once I just would like to tell him that I'm tired of living in my phone and staying in my room.
He also has already attempted suicide four times, and suffers from depressive episodes that prevent him from holding down a job or going to school, I've been trying to be supportive and help him get into college, but something always happens and he ends up losing another year, wich at the beggining was okay, but now, I'm just starting to get worried. And I know it's not his fault, that he doesn't do these things willingly, but I honestly can't see a future with him anymore, at least not one where I am happy.
I've considered ending the relationship, but he says he's coming to visit me next year...and he swears that this year he will study...but he also said something I'm deeply afraid of, and is that he say that life is so shity that probably his next depressive episode is going to be the one where he kills himself. And right now I just feel so guilty for ever considering leaving, because I love him, and I know I couldn't live with myself if he ever hurted himself because of me.
Now, I myself feel so sad and desperate, I just, feel so hopeless and scared to the point of anxiety thinking that he could take his own life, and I know saying that is selfish because I can only imagine what's going thru his head, and I feel so bad for feeling bad when he is having it worse.
Still I just, really wish for once I could just relax and actually live my life without the constant phone ringing and texting, without the crisis, the crying, the constant reasurance.
I just want him to be okay, to be happy, but I don't know how to make him happy.
Anyway, I feel like I have a lot of other things in my chest, but for now, I just needed to get this out.