Nothing works
I don't know how to stay positive - or sane - when it feels like I'm trying so hard, but nothing works. For context, I almost never menstruate on my own so a big part of my TTC process was trying to just have a period for a year before I went to a fertility clinic to get down to business.
I used OPK's - never gotten a positive.
I track my temperature - never any idication of ovulation
I take what feels like an entire breakfast work of supplements and pills every morning. No difference.
I'v been taking ovasitol for almost 2 years now. No difference.
I've been on Metformin for almost a year now, and increased my dose from 2000 to 4000mg about 4 months ago. No difference.
Just did my first monitored cycle, starting on 5mg letrozole. Follicles weren't big enough and had poor selection. Took another round of 5mg letrozole in the same cycle. Still not big enough, still poor selection. Took another round of letrozole, this time 7.5mg. Biggest follicle was only 12mm. Cycle canceled. Goodbye $1200 with nothing to show for it.
I'm so discouraged. I'm so mad at my body. It feels like this is never going to happen unless we do IVF - and I really don't want to do IVF. But even if we did, it feels like my body is so resistant, that wouldn't work either. If SOMETHING would just work the way it is supposed to, maybe I could have some hope, but it feels like failure after failure. And I know it's not my fault, but honestly, I wish it was. I wish there was something someone could point to and say, "This is why you're not getting pregnant. Stop doing that and it will happen." It would be easier that way. Instead, I punish myself by simultaneously believing that nothing I do is going to help, but still beating myself up when I don't do things perfectly. And the world punishes me with pregnant friends, baby showers, and negative test after negative test.
Why can't I just have a body that does what it is supposed to?