Tomorrow is day one. Again. I need to stop
I have been using street speed, illicit adhd-medication and also have an adhd diagnosis and meds. They are methylphenidate, the side effects were too much luckily, but the reality is this: I have been "self-medicating" with these amphetamines for nearly two years straight with maybe a grand total of 5 weeks of abstinence, one week here the other there. The last 6-8 months it's been about every other day, and I've also usually only slept every other day. 15 hour pass out comatose sleep. I am not young anymore. I had a severe alcohol addiction but managed to stop drinking six years ago. I'd tried amphs in my youth but always when drinking. I did not even like it at first. Then I started getting shit done regarding pretty much every aspect in my life and had a very creative year. I was "only" a twice a week user then. Now pretty much everything is gone, most of my emotions are completely haywire and tinnitus I had before I started this idiotism has gotten worse.
I am writing this here because I have gotten sober before, quit many substances. Amphetamine is also not the only substance I use, but quitting them all cold turkey would be probably life threatening. It is still the long term goal, but amph is eating away my soul and personality, along with my cognition, sanity, and skills I still somehow have, like playing an instrument. I read somewhere it is quite common for ex-alcohol abusers to turn to this substance. And here I am.
I haven't read the stickies yet but will tomorrow. I laid out a simple plan for the next day and the day after, written with pen and paper. Got rid of the stash, took the last line maybe 7-8 hours ago. Been awake for nearly 48 hours, and I really really hope this is the last time. I have eaten but not enough. I never want to feel like this again. I won't touch the methylphenidate either. I hope I didn't break any rules. I feel really really awful. I know it will pass.
Thanks for reading, whoever you are.