u/Personal-Bet-7979

5+ months at the hospital, my wife was a fighter and beat the odds. They transferred her to a SNF and care was spotty. They didn't follow up with PT/OT though that was the whole damn reason she was there.

One of the therapists misrepresented her rehabilitation and insurance pulls the plug. She was NOT ready to come home. My wife is happy about it.

I repeatedly explained "you'll be sitting in your own shit all day and the dog will avoid you" but she doesn't fight thr insurance and we undertake full home health care for an immobilized woman who has dialysis 3 times per week. She keeps me up EVERY night and I was getting 2 hours per night.

She goes to Saturday dialysis and I find out the cabulance jerkoffs are dictating shorter treatments to her to fit their schedules. She has a heart attack, of course, right there at the kidney center.

A week in the ICU she meets the minimum definition of "good for release" and they finally call home health and offer to let her stay until all is confirmed.

No, she rushes to go home and we go just 3 days before back in the ICU and intubated.

She still has the feeding tube in, and she's already started with her bullshit. Luckily, they see the pattern and aren't giving in but they can't ignore the patient's wishes forever.

She's operating on pure emotions, no rationality. She fakes rational thinking just enough to avoid a psych eval.

My wife has an irrational fear of being admitted for psych care, after voluntarily going in after suicidal ideation.

If I commit her, she'll never forgive me. If she comes home early, I'll be the one with a heart attack (I had chest pains by the end of that first week). If ignore her, she'll be knabbed by adult protection services and the same.

She doesn't care that she's killing herself. So she can be in our stinky home (every free minute she's begging me to be at the hospital so she can ask me to care for her.) That was early on, now she just gets angry and talking about coming home.

Dog shit and piss, a non medical bed, and long hours in her own feces while the dog ignores her (allegedly her biggest motivator.

I wish she would left brain click in and decide to either heal or give up.

She's making me give up and her Mom's heart is breaking as she keeps operating on this animal caught in a snare level.

I've seen this in a few threads already, and as a long time practicer of ENM I wanted to start a mature discussion about the topic.

Starting off; this will not work for the majority here for two main reasons.

Reason 1: To form a healthy ENM agreement, there has to be recognized benefit(s) for both spouses. My wife and I chose this before her conditions required full-time caregiving.

To suggest this as a solution for a sexless marriage, it brings little benefit to the person who can't participate. Theoretically, maybe a bounce in the step and a better attitude?

Reason 2: caregiving takes up a lot of physical and emotional energy. Will you have ANYTHING left for another person? You need to engage, crack jokes, have a date, then "perform" in bed. Then you check your phone and have 9 new messages where they need you and you get a guilt trip. Not ideal.

Beyond those difficulties, there is also a huge issue that's common in ENM that wellspouses are probably even more susceptible to. The emotional connections form and the inevitable comparisons.

You come home, and you are greeted with everything you need to do, what they need, and what the home needs.

You go to your new partners place, and the only expectation is you don't be an asshole and like giving oral...

Seriously, the difference is huge and is highly loaded with emotions and thoughts not conducive to maintaining a positive attitude about your marriage.

What happens when you emotionally bond with the new partner and they want more of your time?

These are difficult for any ENM relationship where both partners are healthy. It's ended more than a few marriages.

Now add the fact that the new partner is healthy... someone is getting hurt in the end.

Also, the idea of another wellspouse... two people needing a refresh and recharge after feeling they've given all they can elsewhere are supposed to meet the needs of someone similar? Sounds like a great basis for friendship, horrible for a passionate relationship of new experiences and excitement that's lacking.

Really depends on the people, but it sounds like an additional hurdle at first blush.

Anyhow, just kicking an uncomfortable conversation off. Ask your questions, respond with experiences that are in agreement, or to the contrary.

Just felt this needs to be addressed openly and candidly as it seems to be on the minds of many.

I'm also available via IM but maybe slow to answer.

My wife was fortunate to get a fistula early and it remains healthy. However, she's been hospitalized twice now and a major factor in this latest incident is infection of the heart. The hospital visits were a week apart.

My wife only had the catheter in while in the hospital, so it would be weird that she got infected via that in such a short window, but we were told they are high risk.

What have people who've had one (or family) noticed about infection risk?

I'm here with my wife, visiting... she's passed out on propafol and the only sign I had was a wrinkling of the brow, like she wants to give me a piece of her mind

Every piece of negative news fills me with dread, as does every bit of good news.

I want her to stay here until healed. She rushed coming home, and physically and emotionally pushed me to my very limits. Non stop shitting the bed, constant adjustments, meanwhile I just got my dream job and because of her I'm struggling in it.

I was happy when I called the paramedics. Both because she was clearly having heart issues, but just for a cessation of the demands. I could do laundry and clean. Something other than her shrill calls, keeping me up.

We've fought so hard to keep her alive and her actions feel like a betrayal. I'd rather catch her with other men than see her piss away the sacrifices that me and her mother have made. Honestly, it hurts more.

She had a lucid moment before intubation this morning, where she mentioned coming home....

That's like your wife calling you by her ex's name at the wedding...

Debating how much more responsibility will be on me after this. As I'm now certain she's had some cognitive impairment during this.

I love the person inside, but the person who I dealt with last week repulses me. All she wants is to buy shit. She showed me a shopping list and I approved it. She went back and bought more then ordered DOUBLE!

she's barely eating and I'm on appetite control medicine. She's ordering for a ranch with 20 grown, active men. But we are two people who never have time to cook...

Seriously, I'm not sure how much I can make myself care for the changeling taking her over.

I'm sleep deprived, wife is going back into the ICU, and I'm a history buff. So of course, let's talk about metallurgy.

Prior to the industrial revolution, steel was difficult to work with. It's not melted and dropped into casts like aluminum or bronze. You start with a chunk of pig iron, and then you heat it to make it malleable and hammer it into shape, then hammer it to fold several times to remove impurities. Adding and removing carbon at different stages to create firmness, without becoming brittle.

That is what we caregivers are being put through. We're being repeatedly put into the fire, hammered to give us shape and purify.

We feel broken, but our spirits are pure damascus steel. Lesser men and women would shatter from our average Thursday.

As the burdens pile and you feel like you are breaking... no, you are being forged into a better person; someone who doesn't run when times are tough. We hurt, but we survive and we carry our loved ones through every disaster. Dragged, carried, pushed, etc. We know whatever it takes just means we need to hydrate more.