I’m 19yo and I met this 53yo guy, I don’t think he is conventionally attractive but he is very fit and tall. I’m sure I can grow to like his face. We met at a gay sauna, and had some private time in a room. It seemed like he wanted to find something long term. He also said he really likes me. We went to eat afterwards, and we went back to his place. The next morning I left for home after we had breakfast. My sexual preference is fit and tall so us together seemed really exciting. However, he was really worried about us not liking the same things. He is into old chinese dramas, slow songs and catholicism while I’m into pop music. His dad jokes don’t land well most of the time but they filled the conversation when I was quiet. I enjoy his bubbly personality. But he can be quite insecure about his looks. He told me he had a belly and wanted abs because that’s what people wanted from him in this gay world, and would send me pictures of shirtless models. This happened twice in the same day. I told him that what was underneath mattered too and to stop talking about looks but I got no response to that. Our next meetup became a disaster. Some of his preferences didn’t align with mine. Such as him preferring no physical contact in public. My energy was noticeably off for some parts of the date, and he suggested I go home to rest but I insisted on going to the onsen he likes to go. So we went and he paid for it. In the onsen, he thought I would be popular with the guys and asked me to go find them. I asked whether he would be unhappy if I had fun with other guys and he said no. So I agreed and we left each other. When he saw me again having fun with some other guys we smiled at each other and I ignored him again. I went to find him shortly after, he was wearing his clothes in the locker, I asked why, he said he needed the toilet. So I left for the pool again. I got a sense he was not feeling ok so I started feeling down. After a long wait, I found out through the staff that he left the onsen. He also blocked me on all platforms. I was stoned.
When I think back to our time spent together, I realised that sometimes I really did despise his face. But other times, the more I stare, the more I can appreciate his features and fine lines. I really think everyone deserves to have happiness, and if I can give it to him and still feel ok, we should be together. I feel like the difference between the love I can give him and someone more “ideal” is not big. I feel like we didn’t explicitly discuss our future which led to a lot of misunderstandings. I know some of his schedule and his workplace, should I go find him?
I discourage opinions that end up saying I have a long way to go, or more fish in the sea.