Meltdown at my in-laws house
Absolutely humilated myself by having a "mask-slip" verbal meltdown while we were staying at my in-laws this weekend.
It's a very small space and there was no safe place for me to unmask and get away. I tried desperately to control every factor I could, used all the coping skills etc. for 2 days but upon reflection I think it was inevitable. I just cant stay in other people's homes and this is a boundary I will have to set going forward even if it offends my partner's family. I just feel like a monster because they were so kind and tried to be accommodating all weekend but I know my SIL thinks my behaviour is terrible and she's basically said as much to my partner. She doesn't have much experience with autistic people and I dont think she understands b/c I appear very high functioning (diagnosed Level 1) so they havent seen me pushed to my limit b/c I've always had breaks in the past like when they've stayed with us (bigger home and I can get away to unmask). So many factors contributed including sleep deprivation and I'm angry at myself for letting this happen because the damage is done and I cant undo it.
I'm afraid I ruined the relationship I have with them and it looked so so bad that I was verbally lashing out at my husband (in hindsight I was trying to exert some control b/c I knew i couldnt direct others' behaviour). He wasnt happy obviously because it was embarrassing for him and what I said really was mean so I didnt expect him to defend me to her.
I did a decent job masking until the final afternoon when it all started falling apart. Now i feel ashamed and I had a full mask-off shutdown when we got off the plane and I was safely in our car again. I've been skirting the edges of burnout for a while due to job stress and grad school and this finally pushed me over the edge. I feel totally frozen today.
Sorry i just had to vent. If anyone has been in a similar situation and managed to salvage the relationship with extended family, I'm all ears. I do absolutely intend to send an apology message to my SIL today but idk what I should say by way of providing context on my behaviour without it sounding like an excuse because its important for me to take accountability.