u/Own_Natural_8989

“without hope, without fear”

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Nec spe, nec metu, I would not be where I am today.

Without hope, I was unable to break free from the bondage of self.

I sought tirelessly to ease the emotional roller coaster 🎢 life had become, embarrassed by the troll in the mirror addicted to methamphetamine.

The OxyContin I was given after the bicycle accident lasted 21-days after I was released.

Without fear, I figured I would be able to control myself.

I was wrong, painfully wrong.

People judge the homeless, alcoholics, addicts so negatively it’s sickening.

This mentality speaks volumes about what type of people they are.

Admittedly, I was the same…

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I pray that I may not judge other people.

I pray that I may be certain that God can set right what is wrong in every personality.

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"The pain passes, but the beauty remains." - Pierre Auguste Renoir

“Nature is exceedingly simple and harmonious with itself”

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Negative thoughts of harm still present themselves from time to time and have been discussed, at length, with my mental health counselors.

The best I can determine is the ideations of self harm are a normal part of my reaction to mental trauma.

As long as I don’t have a plan.

Insert skepticism here…

Normal as in a reaction to stubbing my toe in the middle of the night.

I stumble around, wincing from the pain, cursing the coffee table or chair, these are normal reactions.

Similar to a reaction from physical pain, cognitive reaction to mental traumas such as anxiety or anger are triggering these negative thoughts, emotions and ideations.

natura valde simplex est et sibi consona

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I pray that I may learn how to have inner ☮️ peace.

I pray that I may be calm, so that God can work through me.

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"You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings." - Pearl Buck

The last eight years of my life

Have been rough, tough and hard enough to live through despite all challenges placed before me.

Physical challenges, mental health issues, alcoholism, addiction, depression, financial difficulties have all taken me places I never thought I’d be.

Don’t know what to tell you about it other than I’m doing what I’m supposed to at this time.

I forgive you for your part in Gavynne’s death.

I forgive Stephanie too.

I also wish to apologize again for any embarrassment I may have caused.

I’m working on healing myself and wish you well.

She grew up in a land where it was live or die.

She could have accepted her role as one who would never become who she was inside.

Refused to live life as an object something to be used and discarded.

Her light was so powerful, so strong, she would not be denied her freedom from the tyranny of her homeland.

Through her relentless pursuit of happiness she embarked on her dream of a life where she would be adored, and surrounded with life’s luxuries.

The life of a Princess who would one day be crowned Queen.

She suffered terrible pain.

Fathomless trauma causing her great misfortune.

Being denied justice and protection in her new world only increased her tenacity to claim her role as Queen.

She fell in love.

A handsome prince offered his hand offering protection, prevention from the trauma she had sustained.

Naively, she accepted oblivious to his ulterior motives.

Decisions were made behind the scenes she was unaware of, and hesitation was justified through the promises made of the evil prince.

Still, she kept on having faith the shame would not last forever and her Prince would change.

He used her and totally, ignored her boundaries as a princess with value, worth and a kind and loving soul.

The princess was devastated.

And began to question her life choices.

Forced to play a role, a survival skill, to help escape her distant past and trauma, led her to the decision to leave her adoring fans, her public, her people in attempt to escape the reality of what her life had become.

And then one day she met a man, an older man, whose life eerily mirrored her own.

Only he was not a prince, but had many friends who were queens.

Mostly, Drag Queens who were full of wisdom, tragedy and fabulousness 🏳️‍🌈

As she spoke with him she noticed his strength and willingness to just sit and listen to her.

He craved her story and was careful not to judge.

He respected her privacy and understood her hesitancy to completely open up to him.

He worked hard on keeping his own struggles to himself.

Fate always intervened whenever the older man was confused.

Her strength kept him going.

Speaking with him, they felt as if they have found what they have been searching for.

As if they’ve met before in a parallel universe.

And the older man, allowed HIS princess to take his arm and guide him toward a better life together, they lived happily ever after.

“I once was what you are, you will be what I am”

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“As you are, I once was.
As I am, you shall be.”

That was written in red ink, probably from a Bic ball-point pen, on my Dad’s helmet cover from Vietnam.

Never got to ask him about it, but it’s things like this which let me know Dad is still here.

Guiding me, protecting me and watching from above. 👆🏽

Thank you, Dad, for all you sacrificed to raise and protect me.

Life keeps getting better and better.

Love,
#1 Son

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I pray that I may be a help to discouraged people.

I pray that I may have the courage to help bring about what the weary world needs but does not know how to get.

“strong and free”

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Deus, da mihi serenitatem

Ad accipienda res quae non possum mutare

Animus accipere quae possum

Et sapientiam differentiam cognoscere

When the voices won’t stop, the unwanted thoughts flood frustrations endlessly and you begin questioning why you’re here…

You learn to count to 12, in French, Italian and Japanese.

You also learn to recite the serenity prayer, in Latin!

Today is my sober birthday., 5-years 1-month or 1856 days.

One day at a time.

My journey of sobriety hadn’t been easy and I wouldn’t recommend or encourage anyone take the path I’ve chosen.

Have they members criticize me for not taking my book to the meeting criticize me for not getting a sponsor immediately. Took me over 2 1/2 years to find a sponsor.

And I’ve had a sponsor tell me that I wasn’t praying right because I wouldn’t get down on my knees and pray.

I haven’t talked to him in over 2 1/2 years and guess what I’m still sober.

I’m still very early in my sobriety. I’m not perfect and what has helped me the most ace working with my mental health counselors and my therapist.

I can proudly say I’m no longer alcoholic, but I struggle with alcoholism.

I can probably say I’m no longer an addict, but continue to struggle with substance misuse disorder.

I will continue to manage these two diseases and then proper management. I will maintain my sobriety.

🤙🏽

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I pray that whatever is good I may have.

I pray that I may leave to God the choice of what good will come to me.

“strong and free”

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Deus, da mihi serenitatem

Ad accipienda res quae non possum mutare

Animus accipere quae possum

Et sapientiam differentiam cognoscere

When the voices won’t stop, the unwanted thoughts flood frustrations endlessly and you begin questioning why you’re here…

You learn to count to 12, in French, Italian and Japanese.

You also learn to recite the serenity prayer, in Latin!

Today is my sober birthday., 5-years 1-month or 1856 days.

One day at a time.

My journey of sobriety hadn’t been easy and I wouldn’t recommend or encourage anyone take the path I’ve chosen.

Have they members criticize me for not taking my book to the meeting criticize me for not getting a sponsor immediately. Took me over 2 1/2 years to find a sponsor.

And I’ve had a sponsor tell me that I wasn’t praying right because I wouldn’t get down on my knees and pray.

I haven’t talked to him in over 2 1/2 years and guess what I’m still sober.

I’m still very early in my sobriety. I’m not perfect and what has helped me the most ace working with my mental health counselors and my therapist.

I can proudly say I’m no longer alcoholic, but I struggle with alcoholism.

I can probably say I’m no longer an addict, but continue to struggle with substance misuse disorder.

I will continue to manage these two diseases and then proper management. I will maintain my sobriety.

🤙🏽

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I pray that whatever is good I may have.

I pray that I may leave to God the choice of what good will come to me.

“by his own accord”

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Happy, unhappy birthday, Momster…the big 79, tick tock, tick tock, how much time does she have on the clock, Gavynne? 🪽🪽

Through action all of mine own, I firmly drew a line in the sand daring mommy dearest to prance across.

To add boundary to injuries, Sister Non-Sinister, offered to overnight said letter ensuring the message was received loud and clear.

We know she has been racking her brain, why did this happen, what went wrong, thinking so much about the two children she loves.

Seemed she was afraid, embarrassed to reveal his death so as not to cause either of them any pain.

For shame.

Sister Non-Sinister and I both, are still grieving his loss while Momster is busy isolating herself.

Protecting her (__|__) assets.
Why so serious??

Maybe she’s hiding from the police, who knows, it’s a terrible, dreadful situation.

Mental illness does not give anyone the right to harm or manipulate anyone, this includes me.

No animals (moms, mothers, baby mommas, mamas, nanas, 🦙 or llamas) were harmed in this totally healthy, albeit unconventional, grieving process.

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I pray that I may think God's thoughts after Him.

I pray that I may live as He wants me to live.

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"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - Buddha

Let justice be done, even if the sky should fall

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Journaling is proving beneficial in furthering my sobriety.

I’ve spent five of the last ten years staying clean, sober and working on my mental health issues.

Today is your birthday 🎉 81-years-old.

May your day be filled with joy, love, happiness, guilt and remorse.

Remorse for my one and only nephew who you did nothing to help, when he needed it most.

Guilt for how you let the paramedics and police find him DEAD in his room, next door to yours.

More worried about how you would look, having to explain what happened.

Unbelievable.

It’s called the TRUTH, Mother.

The truth.

I’ve been living my truth for 61-months, tomorrow.

For the pain you’ve caused, here’s to another ten years of no contact.

Love,
#1. Guilt
#2. Your Golden Child
#3. Remorse

Fiat justitia ruat caelum

Let justice be done, even if the sky should fall

::::::::::::::::::::: O :::::::::::::::::::::

Journaling is proving beneficial in furthering my sobriety.

I’ve spent five of the last ten years staying clean, sober and working on my mental health issues.

Today is your birthday 🎉 81-years-old.

May your day be filled with joy, love, happiness, guilt and remorse.

Remorse for my one and only nephew who you did nothing to help him when he needed it most.

Guilt for how you let the paramedics and police find him DEAD in his room, next door to yours.

More worried about how you would look, having to explain what happened.

Unbelievable.

It’s called the TRUTH, Mother.

The truth.

I’ve been living my truth for 61-months, tomorrow.

For the pain you’ve caused, here’s to another ten years of no contact.

Love,
Guilt
Stephanie and
Remorse

Older model. Slightly used but still gets the job done.

Reliable, a little slow to start but when well lubricated the possibilities are endless. 🥰

If interested, contact owner to discuss any concerns with additional questions.

Serious inquiries only.

Responds well for someone good with their hands.

May leak lubrication fluid from contact with lips 👄 or mouth.

Batteries not included!

🤪

fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt

men generally believe what they want to

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People generally believe what they want.

Right or wrong, it makes no difference.

This country has elected one of the most dangerous, powerful, despicable, politically corrupt politicians I have ever seen.

He tapped into his MAGA sheep 🐑 through confirmation bias.

Hey Siri, what’s the definition of Confirmation bias?

Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, and remember information in a way that confirms one's existing beliefs or values, often ignoring contradictory evidence.

This bias can lead to flawed decision-making and overconfidence in personal beliefs.

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I pray that I may hold no resentments.

I pray that my mind may be washed clean of all past hates and fears.

factum fieri infectum non potest

It is impossible for a deed to be undone

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One of the best things I’ve learned through my many therapy sessions is how to control myself.

My emotions, my thoughts, words and anger.

Coping skills, learning to stfu and let people speak, especially when it’s something I don’t want to hear.

I’ll take a deep breath, pause and reply rather than react.

Once something is said, it can never be taken back.

The same also goes for anything written down.

My word is powerful, more powerful than I’ve ever imagined.

Slowing down, replying genuinely and honestly as opposed to reacting or responding in haste keeps me in check and saves me from the embarrassment and guilt I will feel from being a jackass…

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I pray that I may constantly prepare myself for better things to come.

I pray that I may only have opportunities when I am ready for them.