i know i need this to be the end
i’ve tried for many years to be as supportive and understanding as possible. but what’s always hurt me the most is the things said in either mania, depression, or just a heightened emotional state. i’ve tried for so long to believe him when he reassures me after the fact that ‘i know that’s not his intentions‘ or that he ‘doesn’t actually feel that way‘ about me on normal days. and while i’ve felt betrayed and broken many times before by what he’s said i can’t help but to feel that this time has truly severed the relationship beyond repair. it wasn’t even necessarily the worst thing that he’s said to me about me either. i think it was really the totality of what it meant though.
he asked me if i could do something for him while he was out of town. i told him that i couldn’t. he then made a face. and i said ‘youve told me before if i can’t do something or don’t think ill be able to then to just say that so you don’t rely on me for something i cant do’. he then replied ‘well it’s not like you have a lot going on in your life so…’ and i said ‘oh… so i just SHOULD then?’ and he said ‘yes YOU SHOULD. you only ever help me when it’s convenient for you’. and this is what has done the damage for me. because i know thats not true. but if he really thinks that’s true then…. what am i even still doing in this relationship? that statement basically invalidated the entire past four years where ive bent over backwards and massively inconvenienced myself to be there for him.
i’m not a person who believes in keeping track of things/help/favors/gifts/time/effort/etc. that ive given to another person. mostly because i believe i should [and do] do those things with zero expectations of reciprocation. or at the very least that it’s never a tit for tat sort of thing. i’m doing them of my own free will and because i want to, and if i cant then i wont because then i wouldn’t be doing them for the right reasons.
so with that in mind i’m not going to to write out a list of all the various ways in which i’ve been there for him. but if that’s how he feels about me, then i just can’t continue on. it’s so invalidating. and i just can’t believe the lie he tells me later when he says he doesn’t feel that way and i know it’s just because of his mental health etc. what’s ironic is that the only reason he thinks i ‘don’t have a lot going on’ is because he doesn’t ask me. we’re always talking about his feelings, his mental health, his struggles. he all but refuses to accept or even acknowledge that i have any of those issues myself. idk. i’m exhausted. but im making this post because i also want to hold myself to being done. i’ve taken him back everytime before but i just… i cant keep believing the lies that he doesn’t feel the nasty feelings he spits at me when he’s angry, stressed, manic, etc. it’s too painful.