u/Original-Green-6108

yesterday i had a friend over and last mintue i purposefully left out a small blade with some blood on it in my bathroom. my bathroom was pretty messy, so it was among (us haha) a bunch of other like makeup toothbrushes bathroom stuff, so i tried to make it look natural/like i ‘accidentally’ left it out.

my friend didn’t even end up going in the bathroom because we were only at my house for a short time. i don’t really know what my thought process was but ig lately like ive been having fantasy’s about like someone close to me figuring out im cutting and then giving me a bunch of comfort. i just want someone to find out and i don’t have to tell them, so they’ll feel bad for me, comfort, pay attention to me. i think in my head i am somehow getting brownie points or whatever for ‘staying strong’ and keeping shit to myself and not telling people directly.

so this makes me sound like i only cut for attention but ive only been thinking about this really recently when ive been cutting mainly for punishment and torelease anxiety for like 3 years, never told anyone before. Does anyone else secretly want people to know?

my prom was miserable. i tried so fucking hard so fucking hard to be fun and smile the whole time but i was so close to tears the entire night. my ‘friend’ group doesn’t talk to me, and walks away from me every moment they get. the feeling i get when they just walk away from me is one of the worst in a while. im so useless and nothing fit around me and i wanted to drown in pain to make myself frel better.

i feel like nothing and all i could imagine that night was dragging a blade across my wrist. i felt anxious at prom, and even more anxious because i forgot my blades at home BEFAUSE IM AN IDIOT. i think i will explode without cutting.

the only thing i thought about was cutting, even when i was trying to have fun at the after party. i drank so muc trying to make myself feel better. i left the after party with a small group of 4 girls that i actually like and think they like having me around, but when i got back to one of the girls houses i ended up throwing up on their carpet. it was the middle of the night and ive never thrown up from alc before, but i tried getting up to go to the bathroom but i tripped on the floor. i fell down and hit my head too, but i think when i get home i will smash my head against the wall anyway. i threw up when i was laying on the floor like a fucking overdose patient loser. i feel sick, and these few people i like are probably all mad now. i was taking extra drinks in the bathroom during the party, so maybe that was it. i’m always drunk.

i’ve been drunker before and not thrown up, but i think it was a combo of how fuckign sic and hateful i am of myself. i hate myself and deserve to die. i want to die so bad because i will never get anywhere in life with my boring assself.

i feel sick and sad and this twistyint feeling that i get every time i think about myself won’t go away. i’m such a fuckign failure and waste of oxygen. if anyone on here knew me they wouldn’t like me. i am going to do it soon