What 9 wing am I?
I'm not sure if my anecdotes prove 9w8 compared to 9w1. I'm inclined to say yes because a lot of people online have told me that this resonates with their experience and I'm starting to see the patterns within myself. I'd like some input on this.
Note that even though I'm not a 9 core, I do have this superegoic flavour to how I express myself, like a concern on doing the right thing and feeling immense guilt after I've expressed my true brutally honest opinion, but there isn't that flavour of moralising others in favour of my own beliefs which according to a lot I've talked to is a marker for 9w1 as they care more about their way of right.
The reason why I resonate with 9 as a fix is because generally, I'm completely unaware of my boundaries as I'm merging with my environment to maintain a sense of peace. It was also only until two years ago that I became aware it was a common emotion i experience. I've always known i had anger issues but the tipping point was when i realised my irritation was a symptom of it. I've always known and felt somewhat comfortable with anger, although I knew that if i let it out, it would be explosive.
When I was younger, my parents used to fight a lot and my grandma always told me that I had the responsibility to keep them together. Even as a kid, i knew it was never my responsibility to do so but i never stood up to her and asserted that it was not my responsibility (I have only done that recently as I have begun to learn how to assert boundaries at 24). I don't think I knew better at the time but I never complied with her. I would go about my day as the fighting continued around me and I'd do nothing to stop it because I didn't want to get involved in a fight that had nothing to do with me and I thought they should resolve the actual problem rather than fighting (which never happened). I never liked them fighting as it was scary but it instilled this belief that fighting was completely normal in relationships and that love was associated with intensity. The fact that I became so used to it and literally never ever did something to accommodate for them in accordance with my grandma’s wishes makes me think 9w8.
There’s also that touch of rejecting a parental figure but I don’t think it was because I was trying to avoid looking vulnerable in front of others. (If I did, I probably would’ve tried anything to get them to stop fighting.) It’s more that I was highly aware that at the time, I knew to reject her opinion cuz it wasn’t my relationship and I was highly aware of where I stood boundary-wise. I never vocalised this but I did years later. I wish I said it sooner.
Furthermore, a specific pattern I see with 9w8s is that once they express their anger, they're very likely to let that. I very much experience this. I have three responses in relation to my anger: I will vent about it to release it by seeking out my support network, I'll let the anger pass through me even though I'm fucking fuming and rageful inside (expansive anger) and will absolutely push back if I was further provoked, or I will get angry immediately, say my honest piece to get the other person off my back and then I'll go back to my peaceful zone. This is all to settle my overwhelming feeling of anger and when i become angry, i feel like a completely destructive and different person. I shout, can become physically violent (a large source of guilt), and i say things i don't mean, but then later because that anger is completely exhausted, I'll deny and completely forget about the feeling. I'd describe my anger like a sleeping volcano - generally chill and easygoing but will erupt when something crosses my boudaries, something my close friend has also described with me. The rage I feel in the moment is raw and completely unfiltered, I say exactly what I've always thought and there is no refinement of that message. It's pure, honest and doesn't hold back, and it also has this protective streak of my boundaries and other people. I'll try to undermine and challenge the person, begin pointing fingers and accuse them. Make myself feel like a victim and illustrate myself as a target to make the other person feel bad (but that often never works, and before you say it, yes I know it's toxic and I need to work on it). Then I return to my baseline once that gets externalised. After, i experience the superego of 6 and begin thinking I'm a bad person for expressing my opinion and there'll be a lot of guilt that i hurt the other person.
Anyway, that's all I have to say about it for now. I have other anecdotes that I believe support 9w8 but I dont want to make this post longer than it needs to be. What do u guys think?