10 years in, and I think the ugliest part is that porn became my escape every time life got hard
I’ve been in this thing for about 10 years and I think I’m only just now being honest about what it actually is for me.
I used to say it was just about being horny.
Sometimes it is. A lot of the time it isn’t.
A lot of the time it happens right when I hit something I don’t want to deal with. Work I can’t focus on. A decision I don’t want to make. A problem I know I need to think through. My brain feels pressure and immediately starts looking for a way out.
Porn became one of the easiest ways out.
That’s the part that makes me feel sick when I really look at it. Not just the porn itself. The fact that I trained myself to use it like a trapdoor every time real life got hard.
At my worst I could lose hours a day like that.
Did anyone else realize at some point that this wasn’t only about lust anymore? That it had turned into a way to avoid thinking?
If so, what usually comes right before it for you?