I got the job but it doesn’t feel like a win
I got let go from my job after 4 years by a toxic manager who joined the company and made it her mission to get rid of me. After 3 total 1:1s, and when she was only 2 months in, she’d decided to put me on a PIP. This was after I’d successfully gone through my performance cycle the week she started and had already been meeting expectations. She was actually in my performance call with my old manager, and though she was supposed to listen and sit in, she ended up taking over the conversation as if we’d worked together, speaking the whole time about me needing to start focusing on consistency and collaboration and accountability….
She slowly started introducing issues I’d never heard of in my time at the company like my “tone” and using “curious language” and basically made me walk her through how I got into my position and my experience- honing in on my degree and calling out that she doesn’t have a degree but that she has built her career on proper certifications and expertise.
2 months later, I’m on a PIP and being pressured by HR to accept it, even though they presented no actual instances or examples of where I’m having performance issues, and without a real path/ realistic way for me to navigate the new expectations they were placing on my role.
I took the severance, I cashed out my 401k, I exercised my company stock, I did local gigs that supported my true passions, and I relentlessly applied and interviewed for new jobs. I fell into the deepest depression of my life, especially after losing my ESA the week before they let me go, which was my first pet loss. I spiraled for months but stayed focused on achieving my goals, making ends meet, and finding a great position.
I thought with my career leveling and diligence I’d have a job in 2-3 months. It took 5. 5 months later and we finally have the offer. It’s not what I wanted but it’s decent and more than what a lot of people are pulling off these days. And I still have several other companies knocking down my door. It feels good and validating and all the rage and resentment and unfairness and grief over it all should be over, but it isn’t.
I feel just… deflated. I’m still angry and my heart is still broken because I feel like I gave that company the last only youth. I put so much into it, I lost sleep, I missed out on socialization and lost sight of things that really mattered to me and with the turn of a dime they ruthlessly and completely apathetically dismissed me. I never even got to make my case or speak with any of the people that I started in the company with. No one ever reached out to me. No one tried to keep in contact. It feels exactly like the show severance. Like a part of me is just gone forever.
And what’s even worse is that the strain that something like this puts on someone is still there. They wouldn’t have cared if I wound up on the street but I was savvy enough just to survive until now. The months of bills I had to put off have piled up. Personal and student loans are coming to collect. I still have no income until I start my new position. My credit cards are maxed. And in my area they won’t even let people join DoorDash/ instacart/ gig work because everything is so over saturated.
I still have to make it about a month before things start to feel normal again and even then I have to somehow dig myself out of debt and backpay certain expenses. I’m not eligible for loans or credit cards with how much I’ve had to rely on my credit up until this point. Not to mention somehow find a way to pay my rent. It’s all over, but it doesn’t feel over. I don’t feel relieved. I feel burned out, dejected, and hopeless because technically, the offers came too late. I waited months for anything to come through and it was radio silent for months. And now that things finally picked back up I can’t even wrap my head around diving into a new role or trying to get excited about it when I feel like my whole world has imploded.