I'm always the perpetrator. (mentions of SH/Suicide)
Struggling with crippling depression, grief, autism, etc., just getting out of a SH relapse, all because everyone has succeeded in convincing me that everything is my fault. Even my therapist is giving up on me because I'm just so horrible. No matter what I do I'm always the bad person or the person who started it. No matter how nice I try to be, people only see me for my past mistakes and bad moments. Even when I know for a fact I'm not at fault, I'm still tempted to punish myself in some way because I just know in my heart that it's gonna be my fault no matter what.
This first paragraph was kinda vague, so I'll elaborate: a friend who emotionally abused me and abandoned me had left me hurting for a long time. They'd constantly threaten suicide if they didn't get what they wanted, and when I try to talk to my partner about them, my partner says that they had every right to leave me. My dad also called me a bully when I was in elementary school because of my undiagnosed autism making me act out in class. I even blame myself for my dog dying of cancer because I feel like I ignored the signs.
Sometimes I wish I could just be seen as the victim for once, just once, in my life. I wish people would stop looking at me as some sort of unlovable monster. I wish I could stop seeing myself as a monster, but I just can't.