Ed inpatient Treatment, not willing to get better
Hey everyone,
I’ve been in inpatient treatment for my eating disorder since the end of February. To be honest, I’ve kind of only ever wanted partial recovery. Fully committing to recovery — or even really starting — didn’t feel possible for me in outpatient treatment.
Right now, I also feel like I’m not trying my best, and a part of me doesn’t really want to recover. I’ve gained a little bit of weight, but some weeks it’s been very little or nothing. I’m still engaging in disordered behaviors, like secretly over-exercising or eating very slowly.
The treatment team says I’ve made small steps, but to me those steps don’t feel real. I even lie about my weight sometimes by drinking a lot of water beforehand so it looks “right.” I feel really guilty about my behavior and about not having the motivation to get better. Some days and situations, my ED feels extremely strong.
I’ve tried setting myself small challenges and boundaries, like limiting my steps or eating faster so I can finish meals on time, but it doesn’t feel like enough. My ED is even planning relapse for when I leave.
I’m supposed to be discharged at the end of April after 8 weeks, but there’s an option to stay for 10 or 12 weeks. I don’t know what to do. The treatment team will probably encourage me to stay longer, but I’m not sure if a few more weeks will really make a difference.
I also find it really hard not to compare myself to other patients. Mealtimes are especially stressful — having nurses and therapists watch me makes it even harder.
I feel stuck. I don’t want to spend 8 weeks here just to leave in the same place, but letting go of my ED feels really scary.