Feel like I’m going crazy
I want to say that I know that whatever I’m experiencing could always be worse. I know it would probably be worse if I had darker skin and that makes me deeply sad to think about because if I’m struggling this much, how do other women do it? I feel both in a kind of despair, overwhelmed, and enraged. Not mad, rage. I work for an all male, mostly 30 year olds tech startup that’s blowing up. It’s doing extremely well-other members of my team will make $2 million+ this year. I’m #3 on the gtm team, only female, I’m 10+ years older than everyone, I’m also taller than them, I have multiple masters degrees-I’m direct but also from the south and, I think I’m pretty nice. I have a near sick desire to be liked. I don’t need to be the favorite but I don’t want to be openly despised. Unfortunately, our head of sales is openly awful. It’s changed the way people treat me. Most of the guys won’t even make eye contact with me (when we’re in person) let alone speak with me. I’ve never experienced this kind of rejection at a base level. On top of that, the vp openly harasses me on public slack channels. It was confusing at first, then I thought if I tried harder, worked 13-15x7 I could win him (and the team over). When that failed I sobbed-beside myself. Why is he like this to me?! I’m in my 40’s-I’ve had lots of jobs, I’m not naive or sensitive but this is wild. I think what makes it worse is he doesn’t just praise others, he embellishes stories and then praises them for a fake version of events that he just made up. Like, full on lies. And in the same moment, I’ll be doing better than my peers and get a level of harsh inspection and double talk that’s baffling. I think he knows it bothers me-I tried to meet him (in person) in February to have an honest discussion. He flaked the day of the meeting as I was about to leave (it was going to be 4 hrs of driving round trip) and he said we could talk instead. But instead of our scheduled time, he called me on the spot, fully dismissed my concerns and wrapped the call in 15 min. This man has never been asked to be an adult with his communication and it’s obvious. He doesn’t read..: (no, he LITERALLY said “I’m never going to read anything you send me”) and then assaults me with questions that have already been answered in “recaps” earlier in the channel and somehow finds a way for something I say to be wrong. I use llms to make my communication sound “like a man” and “a McKinsey consultant” and that helps a little bit but we’re talking very very minor improvements. I know the answer is simple-suck it up and deal with it or leave but I’ve worked really really hard to not only be in this space in tech but also to be on a team where you finally hit the jackpot-the insane workloads are worth it because the product works and there’s a major need. We are truly talking about “potential” life changing amount of money. At first I thought, I have to get out. It’s destroying me. But then I don’t want to give them that much power. So I’m trying to disconnect, to not take it personally and focus on keeping my head down, continue what I’m doing, and ultimately saying a big middle finger with my presence and refusing to quit. We’re tracked with everything so fairly sure they know I’ve been documenting. They know im legally protected as an over 40, I have a disability and disclosed it at hiring, and as the only woman AND the fact that I’m doing better than 75% of the team with the revenue I’ve brought in, they’d be hard pressed to fire me without a legal battle. I need a better way to not react. A peer was just openly celebrated for sending 200 emails during a hack that’s basically free marketing for us. I’m not kidding, 5 min later the vp uses the moment to do deal inspection and starts badgering me about a random deal while I’m still trying to get emails out and already did over 500, maybe closer to 700. It was also 9:45 pm. I was actually still working and saw when the attack happened in real time so I was the first sales person to act-I mean, zero acknowledgement of this and instead I get some bs. He said “what’s happening with this?” I replied “I did X,Y, and Z on these dates and this was the outcome” his reply “you’re probably doing it wrong” not “let me look into this”…and then come to a conclusion or get back to you with corrections. Just a flat assumption that I’ve obviously done something wrong. I am extremely competent-I’ve lived all over the world by myself, built a company- I’m in Mensa. Which isn’t something I brag about but you show me a human that’s good enough with eq and personal communication/people skills to be at the top top level of gtm/sales AND is in Mensa?! That doesn’t exist. Or it’s exceedingly rare. I know on some level I threaten him. Is there something I can do to exist within this more effectively? Is there a way I can diffuse with humor? One friend suggested I use emojis with every slack I send-like super random ones- “thanks for feedback, appreciate the insight (money bag)” or “appreciate the context (unicorn). Maybe it’s helped with general interactions not being misinterpreted (which also happens ALLL THE TIME). I was recently told in WRITING “to be nicer” when my original email wasn’t mean, it was simply direct. Ironically I’ve trained myself to remove verbal padding bc anyone of a certain age has been told -scratch that-indoctrinated, that if you want to be taken seriously, don’t say “just”’or “sorry to bother” or “hi, I really appreciate everything you’re doing. Really great work! If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, when you have a free moment, would you mind making sure X happens”. It’s verbal fluffing and I hate it and hate that they want me to do it when I also know it’ll cause them to discount me more. I don’t know. I’m at a loss. I’m so triggered that every slight and minor negative interaction sends me into a personal tailspin and I genuinely live every day thinking I’m going to get fired. Every. Day. I know on some level this is structural. I also know with a high degree of certainty these guys are in the Joe Rogan world. Conservative for sure. They don’t hate gay people so they’re not openly that awful but they really don’t like strong women. Thoughts?