33F 32M how to rebuild trust (actionable ideas) in a relationship? *not cheating*
I really want to trust my partner again and return to the playful and confident person I showed up as. I miss how beautiful and happy our relationship was. I can’t show up that way anymore and am frequently weighted down with sadness, rumination and doubts. He didn’t cheat on me but it was more like a series of paper cuts over a couple of months - frequent lying, hiding things, deleting things. These almost always had to do with other girls (or cam girls on the internet). I now feel I am triggered so easily and I’m hyper-vigilant and even a little paranoid. It’s almost like I look for evidence because that’s how I’ve always found things out, because I couldn’t trust him to be truthful about things. He’s a wonderful person and kind and funny and we get along incredibly otherwise. He just has this tendency to hide/lie/shut down/people please to avoid conflict or fear of hurting me/stressing me out/making me angry. But of course this is worse and it’s caused an awful cycle between us.
We’re about to start couples therapy and it feels like we are both walking on egg shells around each other and there’s some tension. I think we both feel unhappy. I am hurting so much and I want things to work, but I don’t know HOW to trust him again when there have been so many things that have disrupted that. Ultimately you can never know everything about another person and trust/love is an act of faith, I just can’t get there. I’m stuck. Does anyone know what has worked for them or have any insights or suggestions?