u/No_Neck_6644

I know a bunch of people might say we were old enough to move out together or be on our own and we did live together at one point but unfortunate circumstances happened, so we now live an hour away from each other until we can move out again.

My boyfriend has a disabled brother. I’m not sure what he has because it’s apparently really rare. He does use a wheelchair, but he’s able to get himself dressed and move around with his walker.

The past two times I stayed the night. My boyfriend left me upstairs asleep. He doesn’t have a bedroom. He’s just in the upstairs area and his brother and grandparents sleep in the room right next to where his bed is.

My boyfriend didn’t used to leave me up there asleep. I don’t know why he is now, but anyways the time before last I woke up, and his brother was sitting on the bed a little further away from me, which still started with me, but I figured he was waiting to go downstairs and he started talking about how much he wants a girlfriend.

Fast forward to the last recent time I stayed the night. My boyfriend left me upstairs again and I woke up to his brother laying right beside me and it really startled me. Not only is it unsafe but I have my own traumas that I haven’t dealt with, and I don’t think I would ever be comfortable waking up to someone in the bed with me other than my bf. The only reason I even noticed him and woke up is because my dog was growling in his face and that woke me up. When I woke up, he said oh hi and started talking about how much he wants a girlfriend.

considering he got closer to me this time than last I just am not comfortable with it and told my boyfriend it’s really not safe with my dog growling and me being asleep and unaware. I don’t like it and my boyfriend got really upset and mad at me.

We’ve been talking about it for two days now and it’s gotten to the point where he’s making me question myself and I’m starting to feel bad for being uncomfortable because I know his brother is disabled and probably didn’t mean any harm.

This morning, I told him it’s really not OK that he dismisses my feelings because it’s not with just this situation. It’s usually with anything that I’m upset about. I’m not sure if it’s a form of gaslighting or manipulation, but I’ve just had enough of it. I want my feelings to be heard and cared for.

Here is a little of the convo:

Me: my feelings cannot be wrong. They are my feelings if I’m not comfortable with something that should be okay.

Bf: No they can absolutely be wrong bro

Me: no they can’t

Bf: That’s the weirdest thing someone has ever said

Me: what?

Bf: So bc hitler felt that all Jews needed to die it should be ok bc it’s his feelings?
Bf: Or just like how white people felt that black people weren’t people and deserved less it makes it ok bc that’s how they felt?

My boyfriend’s brother has special needs and usually needs help getting ready in the morning. My boyfriend sleeps in an open upstairs space at his aunt’s house, and I’ve been staying over.

The past two times I’ve stayed, his brother has come into bed with me while I was asleep. The first time I woke up and he was sitting next to me touching my thigh and talking about wanting a girlfriend. I told my boyfriend, but he got upset with me. I said I felt weird and he took it the wrong way. I’m just a shy and awkward person so I felt weird because I wasn’t sure how to react.

It happened again the other day. I was asleep (had a little to drink before bed) I’m usually a light sleeper which is why I woke up last time. This time I didn’t wake up. I’m not sure how long he was laying down beside me. I feel like I might’ve thought it was my boyfriend next to me. My dog was growling and it slowly woke me up. He was again talking about wanting a girlfriend. I texted my boyfriend asking where he was and to come up but he took his time.

I don’t blame him at all and I know he doesn’t understand boundaries, but I do think clearer boundaries are needed around me being asleep and unaware. Or boundaries in the bed in general. He seems to only come get in bed with me when my boyfriend goes down stairs. I don’t sleep over often so it’s only been those last two times.
I also have PTSD from past SA, so waking up like that is very distressing for me. I hope I don’t sound mean or like I’m overreacting. I’m just uncomfortable being close to anyone. I wouldn’t want to wake up that way no matter who it was.

I’m looking for advice on how situations like this are usually handled respectfully. I do feel like it’s unsafe for him to lay by me while I’m asleep because I could kick him, assume it’s my boyfriend or my dog growling could’ve bit him and I was asleep and unaware.

Hopefully my boyfriend will understand. I tried being really nice about asking for the boundaries this time.