My (25M) girlfriend (23F) found videos of me playing with sex toys
I apologize in advance if this is graphic or TMI. I can’t talk to my friends about it, and I feel like I have no one. Just looking for some advice.
I have always considered myself to be 100% straight. I’ve been watching porn daily for almost 10 years now, and I would say I have an addiction. I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years.
This addiction led to me watching more and more extreme porn, eventually leading to the gay/transgender category. During covid, I ordered a dildo from amazon and recorded several videos of myself using it. Some of the photos and videos had captions like “ i wanna ride d\*\*\* so bad” or “i love showing off” etc. I posted these on a private twitter account. I did not enjoy the feeling (I actually hated it), but the sole purpose of the videos was for me to watch later and masturbate. It felt extremely wrong, which is probably the exact reason why I did it.
Outside of this, I have never been attracted to a man in real life, and I would never want to even try sex with a man (several have attempted). I’ve never had a problem getting women, and have had sex with about 15 total. I’ve always had friends, played sports, and I was in a popular fraternity in college. I think the reason the gay stuff appealed to me was because it was something new/different, and I definitely desensitized myself to actual sexual chemistry through porn. There was also a ton of cuckold/interracial porn on my twitter. I watched this content for the same reason, because it was extreme, and “different” from what i was used to.
Flash forward to today, I redownloaded twitter and found my old account. I am still struggling with a porn addiction, and I stupidly did not delete the account/photos.
A few days later I woke up and my girlfriend was locked in the bathroom crying. I almost instantly knew that she had found the account while going through my phone for whatever reason. After about 20 minutes of talking through the door, I finally got her to come out and talk to me. I explained that I have an addiction to porn, and that that account wasn’t the “real” me.
I am deeply ashamed, and my girlfriend is not very accepting of gay people. I wouldn’t say she is homophobic, but she definitely isn’t outwardly supportive of the community. To my surprise, she did not break up with me. I tried to tell her how my porn addiction led to me doing more and more extreme things just to get the same dopamine rush, and that the only reason why I did it was because it felt so wrong (like how being “naughty” can be a turn on, I knew this didn’t align with my beliefs, so it made it a naughty turn on).
I promised her I would change. I have also been a heavy weed smoker for about 10 years, and I have quit marijuana cold turkey since she found the account. I have installed porn blockers on my phone, and I have been trying my very best to show her how much I care about her, and that I understand how I betrayed her.
I feel like a terrible person, and I also have nobody to talk to about this. None of my friends are gay or bisexual, and either way I don’t feel comfortable sharing any of this with them. Although the account was from before we were dating, I couldn’t deny the fact that i had logged in since we started dating, and that i was aware it existed.
She has acknowledged that she can see I’m trying to make a big change in my life by quitting weed and installing porn blockers. She’s tried to help me quit smoking in the past, and the longest I ever went was about 2 days. I would go through a 1g dab pen in about 4 days, or a half ounce of flower in about a week (Heavy smoker).
Despite her surprising support, she has said that she doesn’t know if she can be intimate with me again, and that she feels like she doesn’t know me anymore. We went to the bar yesterday, and one of my friends made a gay comment jokingly, saying “hey, that’s my boyfriend what are you doing with him?” Instead of responding jokingly back, I felt embarrassed. I truly am not gay, but i do enjoy the taboo nature of gay porn.
At this point, I don’t really have a way to end this post, but I just needed to share this with someone. I’m typing this at 3 am, so I’m definitely missing a lot of details. Feel free to ask. I really need to hear someone tell me it’s going to be okay. If not, I just need someone to tell me how I can regain my sense of self worth, and how I can prove to my girlfriend that I only want her. I understand that I am a shitty person, and I do not deserve her forgiveness, but I also need to be able to move on with my life. The last week has been full of anxiety, shame, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Please help me