POCD - Triggers, or the real thing?
I'll try to keep it succinct. I'm 18m, and I am struggling with my sexual identity - I am not sure whether I have POCD or something else... I would consider myself bisexual, and when it comes to my attractions to guys, I wouldn't call it a kink, but a preference to me is blond curly hair and wavy brown hair. All my fantasies have been with people aged around 16-19, although there have been times where I have felt a strange attraction to up to 24 year olds with certain traits that interest me. Curly hair is something that really does it for me, I even casted my mind towards my 60 year old tutor, but I wouldn't say it was sexual.. just a theme i guess.
The POCD stated when I was 17 - every once in a while I would see a 15 year old with similar traits that I find attractive to people my age, and would feel a strange mix of attraction but guilt. I felt like I was a p***. This stopped when I found out that being a p*** was attraction to prepubescent children and to have weird feelings is generally alright.
This stopped, then it came up again but with another theme. Very occasionally I would see a 12 year old with similar traits, sometimes in blurred backgrounds of movies of maybe instagram, and feel that weird sense of attraction, and guilt at the same time. This is mainly because I keep on checking to see if I am attracted. However, I noticed that if I keep looking at them at a whole (short stature, etc) I am not attracted to them at all. I believe that these 12 year olds appear to be in puberty, and this feeling has never happened to anyone below that age and/or clearly prepubescent.
I can confidently say I have never felt this feeling with clearly prepubescent children.
Is there potential that I don't find those 12 year olds attractive, but the potential pubescent traits that they have remind me of teens? The vast majority of 12 year olds I can confidently say I'm not attracted to, it's just these once in a blue moon occurrences.
I have never in my life had fantasies about 12 year olds and have never had the urge to look up illegal content. I don't spy on their profiles, I don't know anyone that age, I don't wish to know anyone that age, and I don't even care for what they do. I do not have any desire to be in a relationship with them, and in general for me, the act of actually having sex with anyone is not that exciting to me - i might even have a touch of asexuality. There was even a time last year when i was 17 we had to do a volunteering activities with 11-12 year olds. Felt 0 attraction to them - however that's when I wasn't worried about this. I do not want to work in a field with children... this terrifies me. At the same time if there was a way to erase all 12 year olds from my vision I would 100% do so and I can confidently say it will not affect my sex drive one bit.
Please help me... does this sound like POCD or am I a p***?
I am grateful for any responses.
Edit: as you can see in one of my posts 6 months ago to r/ROCD i was not worried about this.