Mental Health after diagnosis
I recently got diagnosed with HSV-2 and promptly ghosted by the person I believe infected me. We met about over a month ago and started hooking up. We discussed prior test results but I never saw his. About a week after our first encounter, I experienced symptoms. I brought this up to him and he brushed everything off and I told him I was going to get tested anyway. It came back positive and as soon as I tried to ask him to come over to discuss my results in person, he has not responded for over two weeks. It sucks we were talking everyday and were in the middle of a conversation and he has not even read or listened to anything I’ve had to say. He doesn’t even know what the results are. I want to make sure he does get tested so this doesn’t affect anyone else the way it’s affecting me but I’m mostly internalizing a lot of blame of my self after the fact. Hindsight is 20/20 but if I’d had better self respect and standards I could’ve avoided this situation. Honestly all the positivity I’m seeing in the group (and from the nurses at the clinic) only makes me feel worse about this. I know there’s stigma but this fundamentally changes how I see myself and what I want in life. I’ve overcome a lot with mental health and suicidal ideation in the past and I feel like this has set me back years. I feel empty. It’s just been one thing after another in life and I can’t celebrate my wins or other people’s wins in life because I can’t see over this mountain. I feel nothing but anxiety when someone even approaches me or flirts with me. My ex from a couple years ago wants to see me again and I can’t even think about having that discussion. I don’t even feel the desire to ever have sex again.
My family can even tell I’m depressed but I don’t even know how to discuss it without feeling shame. I feel nauseous when I think about it. I can’t even wake up without feeling bad. I don’t think this is ever going to get better. All I can really think about my sulking is that worse things have happened to better people so feeling sorry for myself about this is really narcissistic. I’m just not okay. I have therapy in a couple weeks but I don’t know how that will help. I don’t want to get on meds. Most of what people say to make me feel better just feels like bullshit. All I can really do is distract myself but I feel hyper fixated on this. I really don’t do much other than cry. I’ve been going through the motions but everyone can tell something’s wrong with me and I’m terrified they’ll find out and feel differently towards me and not even in a judgmental way I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even focus at work.