Throwaway account. Two weeks ago I found out my boyfriend of 1 year has been using heroin and coke the majority of our relationship. I still haven’t been able to get a straight answer of when it started. Looking back it’s gut wrenching to see all the times I knew something was wrong but was too afraid to say something and make him upset or he’d just make me feel dumb for thinking anything.
Context:
Last September he had quit his job (that he hated) and was planning to move states to move in with me. We talked about it a lot and I assured him I was ready for it. The last visit before the move freaked me out, the way that he was talking to me in some disagreements threw me into fight or flight. My gut told me to slow down, but I still wanted to be with him. I told him that I no longer felt comfortable with the move. He was devastated and angry. I was told it was me changing my mind that led to the relapse. He ended up going silent for some time (two days) and I told him I can’t handle someone who can just not talk to me for that long and I broke it off.
Long story short I ended up groveling and convincing him to get back with me in October. In November he told me he was using coke and drinking again and had been since September. He told me he was going to stop and start looking for jobs. (he hasn’t had a job since the one he quit to move in with me). I was really upset he didn’t tell me before I was doing everything to “win him back” but I was happy he told me and he said from then on he’s just going to make himself be more busy and that should help. I think I was so in the trenches with my own mental health I didn’t think to urge him to seek help.
Fast forward to January - I agree to let him move in now. I promised I wouldn’t get cold feet and we can work on things together that come up. It took him forever to move but 3 weeks ago he got rid of most of his furniture and moved in. The following week is when it all came out that he’s been using heroin and coke this whole time.
It’s important to note I am in recovery (alcohol) too. Sobriety became infinitely more easier for me once I got on the right bipolar medication so I know with certainty sobriety is top priority for me. We met at a rehab. I thought he was just coming off of a short relapse and he definitely wanted to continue the years of sobriety he has prior. I had wanted to wait a year before dating but he told me we could be good for another and I agreed. Now I have this immense survivors guilt. I have bipolar and wasn’t on the right meds so it was chaotic. He seemed to put his whole effort in to me and always pointed to how good of a bf is for doing things for me. I am stronger than I’ve ever been before in my life because I have worked extremely hard - I thought he was supporting me but in hindsight it just all looks like part of a show.
Yesterday he told me he will hate me for the rest of his life if I break up with him over this. He keeps saying I promised to not kick him out. I am so incredibly in love with this man but now I don’t even really know who he is at all. I could never hate him. I’m not even hurt by him saying those things.
I have no choice but to choose myself - but this was a choice I never wanted to have to make.