I feel like I’ve completely ruined my life.
I’m about to turn 32 in less than a month and I feel like so many terrible things have happened in my life and that I’ve made every wrong decision and let so many opportunities that were afforded to me just slip away. I started undergrad in 2012 and didn’t finish until 2020. I had a lot of indecision during that time and I attended 3 different schools, one tech school and two universities. I went to nursing school for a few semesters but fell very sick and had to withdraw due to numerous surgeries and cost. I was devastated. I was a student ambassador and on the president’s list. I went back to the first university I was at and graduated with honors with my bachelors of science in public health in 2020.
At first jobs were lucrative due to the pandemic but once it slowed down so did funding for research positions and other public health jobs like mine. I then applied to grad school to get my masters in clinical epidemiology, I did very well in epidemiology and biostatistics but after getting engaged to my husband, I decided against epidemiology because you have to move where the jobs are available and his job both during the military and after are only where a carrier that runs on nuclear power are or where a nuclear power plant is. We couldn’t both have picky jobs. Then I started working for a before and after school care program where I was able to teach elementary aged students extended learning for the first time. I did love it, almost as much as nursing. I did this job because it paid better than my prior research job and I was having a hard time obtaining a job in my field.
In May of 2023, on my birthday, I lost my family tragically and unexpectedly. The pain and grief were unimaginable, many days it still is. 2023-2025 is a blur. I was diagnosed with severe PTSD and highly medicated, I take 11 pills a day. They help, but they don’t make it go away. There are many months I honestly can’t recall at all. I couldn’t hold down a job and was barely sleeping or functioning at all honestly. In the summer of 2025 I applied to LSU’s masters of clinical social work program to become a mental health therapist. I was admitted and completed two semesters with a perfect GPA. I did not quite understand how long the program would take it was not explained well and I am also to blame for misunderstanding and I won’t finish until late 2028 when I’m well into 34. As stated before, I’m turning 32 this year. I have a very complex GYN history including PID, endometriosis, and potentially PCOS (upcoming appointment for suspected diagnosis but a family wellness practitioner).
I want to be a mom so bad that I took a break from LSU and am considering leaving altogether to focus on having a family before it’s too late, especially since I has so many complications with my history. I can’t miss out on being a mom I would be devastated but I’m also heartbroken to leave the current program I’m in and feel like it’s another amazing opportunity I’m letting slip by. I have also been considering getting my teaching certificate and teaching full time or attending ECPI to get my ADN and become a nurse, but the second one just has terrible reviews. Both of these options however are much shorter than LSU and align much better with becoming a mom. Teaching was fun but I do so well in the medical field I loved being challenged in my work and it’s where I’ve always wanted to be.
I’m just not even sure what to do anymore and I feel like everything is just wrong now and that I’ve made every bad decision possible. I wish I hadn’t mourned for so long and lost those years but I can’t change it now. I’m so terribly depressed about everything and as my birthday soon approaches not only am I getting older and still so lost but it’s a really difficult time being the anniversary of losing my family. I’m not sure what to even ask here but any insight or comment is appreciated.