u/New_Supermarket_3878

I feel like a failure. I’ve been going no contact with my family for the last year, one after another. My husband comes from a normal, healthy family. He has always had hope that things would solve, but has been supportive in going no contact after getting a deeper understanding of my family dysfunction. I get deeply dysregulated from having contact and at the same time, I come from a background without obvious abuse, so I second guess myself all the time. I’m still ambivalent in my choice.

My husband has been by my side for years, but yesterday he told me that he can’t handle this anymore. He’s burned out. He just wants us and me to be happy and live our life and this comes in the way all the time. He’s afraid of it coming up again and can’t handle that I don’t feel happy right now. I’m 3 months postpartum. I always think that this will blow over and we’ll have a happy life and we have both been waiting for the future where we can just live our lives. I feel like a failure. I’m afraid the happy days won't come. And I’m afraid my background will get in the way again.

I am hurt but I also get it. I have a huge complex of being a problem for other people and now my reactions to my family has been a problem in our relationship. I could handle this kind of thing if the roles were reversed, but I also get that this is the first time he's gotten so close to something as dysfunctional and tragic as my family issues. He said this is the hardest thing he has ever dealt with. To me, it’s normal and I feel better in life than ever in many ways. But he’s burned out and unhappy now. And I’m so afraid I’m gonna lose him over this, that I can’t stop the cycle of being sad about my family not being in the picture now when I have my own child. I go between second guessing myself and feeling this deep sorrow for everything. It’s so so so hard to have a baby when my association with family and childhood is so tragic and dark.

My husband is really the best person I’ve ever met and we have a beautiful daughter. He’s always there for others but maybe he’s been there for me “too much”. I’m hurt, but I also think it can be a good thing to just move on for real, to put this behind us.

I would love your perspectives.

I have cptsd from my childhood and my mums behaviour is so triggering I decided to go NC when I was going to start my own family. It was like 5 months ago now.

But for the last few days I’ve really missed her. My mum and I don't have an awful relationship when we’re in contact. She has good qualities too and what was traumatizing for me was mostly her lack of abilities. I know she wants the best for me in her heart and she has no ill will, it’s just a lot of stuff in the way. I also know she “did her best” according to her ability to relate, have empathy and so on. She’s a woman missing pieces in herself, she has a shattered mind and I think she believes herself when she describes situations in ways they didn’t play out. Like now she thinks I’ve said to her that she’s the worst mother in the world and told that to my brother, and I haven’t. I said I find our relationship difficult due to my childhood trauma and her lack of acknowledging and denial, like bringing up subjects out of the blue without acknowledging how they affect me. I would never tell her she’s the worst mother in the world, but she starts crying that she “must be the worst mother in the world” when I show her how I feel. I think she honestly can’t think in nuances so that’s all she hears.

Can anyone relate? I don’t just miss a supportive mum today. I actually miss her. But I haven’t found any way to be in contact and not be affected badly when so much has happened in the past and we can’t talk about it.